Crazy
by Greepers
Summary: Based on Patsy Cline's song "Crazy", Dean is a musician trying to make it when he meets Cas at the Harvelle Roadhouse in 1969. Things take off from there in a time where it still wasn't as accepting to be what they were. Rated M for future Chapters. [destiel] [AU]
1. Chapter 1

**Crazy**

Chapter 1

1969

I'll never forget the way his lips danced against the diaphragm of the microphone. Back then, frequenting the bar to get away from day life was where I eventually settled myself. The Harvelle Roadhouse became a home away from home and I'll always thank that place even now that it is gone. Without the roadhouse, I would have never met him. Never would have seen him or heard him sing. That voice. I'll never forget.

That day wasn't unlike many others. Wake up, work, bar, bed. That was my routine and I was about halfway done with it. Ellen had a lot of local musicians sing at the roadhouse. Some were good and others weren't as graceful. That day Ellen went on about the one that was singing that night to me as she poured my drink.

* * *

I glanced at the stage and the man she had mentioned was hooking up the mic with his back to me. I turned interest back to the alcohol in front of me. I sipped on the mug that she had filled and I could feel her eyes still shooting daggers at me.

"He's like my son. Pay some attention to him, he's gonna be big I tell ya!"

I couldn't help but smirk as she waved his way and flashed thumbs up. It quickly vanished as I heard the static of Ellen's stage speakers making my heart jump out of my chest. A few moments later there was a strumming on an acoustic guitar. The melody was catchy; a song that I was very familiar with, especially since it came back after the singer died in a plane crash a few years ago.

_Crazy…_

I set my mug down and shifted towards the voice that made that sound.

_I'm crazy for feeling so lonely_

_I'm crazy for feeling so blue…_

My eyes were fixed on him. He sang with his eyes closed, his perfect feminine lips brushing against the mic as his fingers strummed against the metal strings. I could feel the strange feeling in the middle of my chest as I watched him. His voice was velvet. He seemed to change the atmosphere of the room and there was no mistaking the way his presence filled me up.

My breath clenched. He opened his eyes and the world span and I wanted to blame it on the alcohol. They were a deep emerald green and I was close enough to him to see the details that shimmered. The music had long stopped but I didn't even notice as I saw his lips curl upward into a bashful smile. I felt like an idiot as the applause started subsiding. It didn't quite register that I didn't clap and it was even worse as I started when everyone else had stopped. His eyes locked on to mine. My face burned red and I turned away quickly shoving my hands into my thighs. I quickly took back to my mug and sipped vigorously which probably looked ridiculous just as well.

Ellen watched me with a peculiar eye and I could guess what she was thinking. I just closed my eyes to play it off.

"You okay hun? Want some wat- Dean!"

My stomach dropped. I could even hear his footsteps approach my stool. I wanted to disappear. Just sprout angel wings and fly out of here. There were forearms that lay on the bar next to me followed by the rest of his torso and a smile on his face.

"Hey Ellen. I'll play more, don't worry. I just came by for water. Was I…Did it sound…"

"Perfect" It just slipped out and regrets ran through my head. I inhaled sharply and the mug was still floating in my face causing a small cough attack. He leaned with a genuine child-like smile on his face towards giving me that familiar hitch in my chest. I studied him subtly trying to find any sort of imperfections with him. Nothing really.

"You really think so? Thanks man." He said as he kept his gaze on me. It was so interesting how different his demeanor was. The man was laid back with an edge to him mimicking James Dean. All I could do was nod to keep myself from vomiting senseless jabber that would ultimately embarrass me more. I tried to pry my eyes away but he kept his locked. I did succeed, but only for a moment. In that time, his attention was back on Ellen as she supplied him with a glass of water.

"So that's Dean?" I asked curiously to Ellen as he walked back to his stool on the stage. My fingers played with the mug in front of me. I tried not to look back at him but a glance over my shoulder was enough to fill my appetite of the man.

"Yeah, sure is. Didn't I tell you he was talented? Poor kid though. I'm glad he got to where he is, proud of him -And his brother! Heard that Sam got into Stanford Law…" She raised her eyebrows with smirk as she dried a glass with a towel. "Did I tell you about his father? Up and leavin' them? Not too long ago Dean got a call, John Winchester was killed in a car accident. Drunk as always. John never was the same after Mary died though…I'll just say I'm happy for them…Need another?"

I swashed the remainder in my mug and shook my head. "No it's okay. It would be best if I stop now. I want to enjoy…uhm, Dean." His name traveled over my tongue like a song. Even his name lacked flaw. The rest of the liquid warmed my stomach as I tipped it back. I turned my whole body towards the stage now as he prepared for another set. His flannel shirt fell past the seat of the stool as he sat down, guitar ready. He leaned forward into the mic again and smiled that shy smile a little more confident this time.

"Sorry, I don't believe I introduced myself. I'm Dean Winchester. And this song, uh…I don't think you've heard it yet. But it's from this new band. They're called Led Zeppelin. And I really dig this next song of theirs. Hope I do it justice. This is Ramble On." His voice was deep and strong when he talked. As he sang, it rose back to the velvet smooth pitch that made my body hum.

He sang a few more before the Roadhouse started to clear. Pretty soon, I was the only body still left in the vacant room. I sat in the same place unmoving until Dean started to put his guitar away. He placed it into its case delicately and hinged the latches before getting up to stretch. His arms reached toward the ceiling as he turned on his heel, exposing a small square of skin just above his jeans that shot heat through my slacks. I gulped my primitive desire and put a few bills next to my napkin for Ellen.

Sitting down for a long time unsettle my stomach a little. When I stood, my chest clenched and I felt the gas bubble push its way up my throat. I turned to leave and the belch left my mouth right into Dean's face. He just stood there with a hand waving in front of his face accompanied by another smile. My face was hot like a fever and my jaw clenched tightly. The effect his man was having on me wasn't on a normal level and he was so close.

"Awesome…Excuse me" He reached around me to set down his empty glass and I could smell the cologne on him. I was stone until he stepped back again. He paused a moment and seemed to survey me before speaking. "You okay? Too much to drink?" He chuckled and swatted my shoulder with an open hand. The man was curiously comfortable and it forced my lips to press into an awkward smile. It was ridiculous how he could make me feel like this. It wasn't right. There wasn't any chance that this man could possibly want anything to do with me. He was straight. They all were.

Silence cut between us before I realized he had asked me. "No. I did not consume sufficient amounts of alcohol to become inebriated. I am very sorry –I did not mean too…" I stopped as I saw his face become perplexed. "What?" I simply stated.

"Nothing, you're just… Never mind." He set his hands on his hips and just kept his gaze. He was not afraid of eye contact like most people I came In contact with and I admired that in him. I watched as he blew air, puffing out his cheeks. No matter how thick the atmosphere around us became, I continued to see into those green gems.

"You boys headin' off?" Ellen came in from the back with a towel over her shoulder.

"Yeah, Thanks for letting me play Ellen."

"Dean…please, Thank you for playin'! In fact, you're a lot better than those idjits that think they know a damn think about music!" She smiled and came around the bar.

Dean perked up and shuffled toward her as she wrapped her arms around him. "You been hangin' around Bobby haven't ya?"

"Well…He's been really sweet on me Dean, I might just keep him." She hugged him once more before going to the back again with a handful of glasses. "Take care and be safe!" she called from the back. I assumed they were talking about Bobby Singer who came to the Roadhouse frequently. He really was a sweet man with a likeable personality. Another link to this Dean sent a small pang of jealousy. I wondered how many other people knew him around here.

I lingered for a few moments, wanting to stay a few more in the man's presence. I doubted I would ever see him again if I hadn't seen him before. I was taking my fill before I left. I wasn't expecting him to have any interest in talking to a stranger though. "Hey."

I looked up at him as he approached me again after he retrieved his guitar case. He extended a hand towards me. I was apprehensive about taking it at first. My hands had become riddled with sweat from being so close to him. But I did. I shook his hand and that flashy open-mouth smile greeted me again. "I just wanted to say thanks again, you know…for, liking me." He said as his hand slipped out of mine. He didn't wipe it. Just put it into his pocket. Rather quickly as well.

"You're welcome." I said extremely flattered. "You are very talented Dean. I wouldn't see how anyone couldn't"

"I still need some reassurance once in a while right? Good thing you were here. Not much of a crowd…"

"Really?" I stated absentmindedly. I hadn't even noticed the amount of people in the bar that night. The man had me transfixed to be honest.

"Well, I guess I'll have to bring some good ole' blues to Nebraska." He said coolly with an attractive accent and chuckled. It was so infectious and it made me smile. "Actually, Nebraska's not to different from home…"

"Where is home –If you don't mind my asking?"

"I'm from Lawrence. Kansas. I'm up here…well, to get away for a while. I needed a break from there." His eyes wondered as he shifted his weight onto one of his bowlegs, popping out his hip in a very relaxed manner. I could see that the man had something heavy on his mind. I could assume that what Ellen had told me had much to do with it and it made me too curious for my good. It wasn't my business. "The Roadhouse was a place that my parents would take me when I was a kid and I would come back with my Dad a lot too. Yeah, Ellen's always been a family friend. I called her saying I was in town and here I am, playing on her stage." He pointed the guitar case at the lone microphone still standing there. "Always wanted too. Never knew why I didn't. Guess I was afraid of not being liked." He shot a wink my way and drug his tongue across his bottom lip making me shiver.

There seemed to be many moments where we'd share each other's gaze. The room was quiet and a part of me wanted to know what he was playing at. But another part had a glimpse of hope. He pried away and looked towards where Ellen had left. "Well, I guess I'll be heading out."

I snapped out of my trance and silently agreed with a nod. "Yes, I should be as well." I said finally and turned to leave. I arrived at the door and turned to push my way out with my shoulder as I looked back to see him. He was just behind me on his way out so I held the door for him. There were two cars still parked in front of the building, my beat up 54' Mercury Monterey, and an attractive muscle car that shined in the moonlight. Dean wandered to it's trunk and set his case inside and saw that I was admiring his black beauty.

"67' Impala. Yeah, she's real nice isn't she?" I could hear the pure joy in his voice. It really was a car to be proud about. His hand smoothed over the surface of the hood as he admired it with me. "You should hear her purr!" He said excitedly and reached in with his keys to start the engine. I was taken by surprise at the intriguing roar. I heard his deep laugh as he stepped back to see his car in full.

The night air was biting and I thought about going home and getting warm. I waved to him and strode to my own automobile. I saw him wave back to me when the glint caught me. My heart dropped seeing him with a ring. The metal band around his finger was a beacon of the hope that left me.

"I'll see you round- oh, I didn't get your name!" He called from inside his impala with the window down.

"Castiel! My name is Castiel!" I yelled.

* * *

note: (a nice effect to this story is if you play the song while you start to read it. Finish the song and resume reading again where the song stops or just listen to it while you read. -for future reference :))

Songs:

_Crazy _by Patsy Cline

_Ramble On _by Led Zeppelin


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I've met a lot of people in my day but I never quite met someone like him. I shifted her into reverse and slowly got her forward. I watched the man adjust his trench-coat and sit in his mercury for a while, waiting to see his headlights before he peeled out himself. But they never did. His car shrank in my rearview mirror and still no beams followed. Quickly, I brought my impala around back to the parking lot and pulled in next to him this time. He just sat solemnly in his car almost surprised to see me.

He rolled his window down. "My car won't start." He said, his gravel-like voice echoing over the roar of my own car.

"Figured…" I muttered. I cut the engine and surveyed the hunk of metal that he called a car. I couldn't help but sigh in pity. There was no chance that it would start in this cold, not an old one like that. I decided to become a Good Samaritan. I laughed inside my head thinking how proud Sam would be of me that bitch. "Need a ride?"

His head cocked sideways and something caught in my chest, something I wasn't expecting. Good Samaritan. I kept telling myself that was the reason. I just watched him. It seemed like he was contemplating it but he did turn his face back to me with a nod. He slipped out of his death trap and into the impala with hesitancy. I couldn't put my finger on him but as he sat in the passenger's side, I searched for those striking pools of blue. This man had the bluest eyes I had ever seen. They were so genuine and curious. "Thank you." He said and put a grocery bag into the back seat. I held my breath. His head lingered back over the console for a while before turning back in his seat. He seemed to shrink into himself like I was no longer there. Damnit.

"Not a problem. I like driving her around anyway," I choked out, "Now, which way Cas?" His face shot towards me with his head cocked again.

I wanted to say something but he just kept looking at me strangely. I didn't even notice that he was leaning so close to me. "No one has ever called me that before." He said deeply and I could feel his breath pass over my cheeks.

"Uh sorry, s'just, Cas-tee-el is kind of a mouth full…" I wavered for a moment. He was close enough that I could see the scruff lining his jaw. Did he understand personal space? "…Cas?"

His eyebrows furrowed. "Yes?...It's that way." He replied simply, pointing, and sat straight in his seat.

I didn't even realize I was holding my breath again until he moved away. "Good Samaritan Dean," I chanted under my breath. Maybe this was a mistake though. Then again, why was I even here? This man had an effect on me and I couldn't argue with eyes like that.

I pulled out of the lot the way he pointed. The heat kicked in and warmed the inside, making it a little more comfortable. I finally got settled in my own seat, but I still couldn't shake his presence in the car. "So…Cas, you from around here? I've been here a lot and…well, I can't recall ever seeing you before."

I waited for an answer and I received a sigh. He was tense, I could tell, but why? Was it me? I wasn't trying to…

"I apologize, but my social skills are a bit rusty. I do not talk to many people… I'm not from here originally, no." The sound of his horse voice mixed with the complete oddity of his vocabulary sparked an intense interest. With every response, I felt drawn to him. The radio played low as white noise with the heater. "I am from Illinois originally. But I uh, I needed to 'get away' as you would say." He said in a sad attempt at mimicking me with his deeper voice. I could hear his lips curl into a smile which in turn, made me smile. I could enjoy this man's company.

I tapped the front of the steering wheel to the quieted beat, a habit of mine. He glanced down at my hands and I could feel the questions coming. I stopped and dropped my left hand from the wheel. Thankfully, he just turned attention forward again.

The ride seemed longer than I anticipated as he pointed me the directions to his home. I wanted to say more to him but he just didn't seem interested. Or at least, he seemed disappointed.

A few minutes later, we pulled up next to his home, a small quaint one. The neighborhood was sparse but it fit him perfect I guess. I felt a stupid feeling in my chest which I tried to ignore as I shifted the car into park. "Well Cas, it was sure nice meeting you." I extended my hand to him. I expected him to shake it at least. But he just looked at it and then back at me. His blues eyes were prying and beautiful.

"You're sleeping in your car Dean." He stated. I bit the inside of my cheek and dropped my hand. I didn't want to say yes. I didn't want to intrude or anything because I knew what was coming. This was all a big fucking mistake… "Would you like to…It would be no problem. I have a davenport that you may sleep on." His eyes were wide, nearly begging with a type of sadness, a longing in them. I didn't want to say no. But I should. I had too.

But I didn't.

"Are you sure? I don't want to-"

"It is alright Dean. Like I said, it's no bother." He said reassuringly.

I just looked him over. I swallowed my pride and shrugged with a nod. He reached around and grabbed the bag from the back and I turned the car off, silencing the air around us for the first time since we left the bar. I followed Cas to his front door, the cold air bit my cheeks and the ends of my ears. I wanted to get inside rather quickly now as I huddled in my leather coat.

The door opened and we bunched into his kitchen. The warmth of his home gently soothed my cold skin making them rosier. He coaxed me into the living area where I saw the sofa I was going to sleep on. He disappeared momentarily and came back with superfluous armful of blankets and pillows. He nearly toppled over as he dumped them on the couch. I couldn't help but smirk at the hopeless host. "Are you sure I need your whole bedroom Cas?" I chuckled.

He just looked at me with a grave seriousness in his face. It made me stop and I caught a glimpse to a bedroom. The bedside lamp had revealed a stripped bed.

My hands flew up to my face. They secretly hid a smile but it was wiped away as they fell down my cheeks. Was this guy for real? "Cas, that really isn't necessary. Thanks but you can keep a few sheets for yourself okay? I can go back into my car and get my things…"

He surveyed my sleeping area and just shook his head still with intense seriousness. "No, I do not require that much warmth. Dean, as my guest, you should sleep in comfortable conditions."

"Cas, really…" I shoved a blanket at him and he just stood there with that contemplating look on his face. I really wanted to understand what he was thinking. The man took refuge in his mind, I assumed because of his solitude of life. I almost felt an obligation to him now. I wanted to see him happy. Like the way he was when I sang.

"I apologize. I do not often have guests. Actually, I've never had guests…" He said and clutched the blanket to his chest as he trekked to his room. My heart clenched. Cas was lonely.

I let my body fall on the cushions to test the sofa. It wasn't bad but it sure was better than the cold back seat of my baby. I tilted my head back, finally relaxing until Cas came back out. I could feel his stare but I didn't care. I rather enjoyed it.

"Dean." I opened my eyes to see him. "Can I offer you something to eat or drink? I can make you a sandwich if you would like."

I didn't feel like protesting too much anymore. It pleased him to see me pleased and I wouldn't keep him from that. Especially since my stomach was reeling now that he had mentioned it. I hadn't eaten anything at the bar so I nodded. A thought came to mind making me perk up. "Hey, do you have any pie?"

I watched him shuffle into the kitchen and dig through his ice box. He pulled out a small tin and showed it off to me. It contained a delicious looking piece of cherry pie and it put a smile on my face as the desert always did.

I looked around his living space now that I was settled. The dim yellow lights made the room seem cozier. There was a shelf that contained a lot books and a rustic looking radio that pieced the room together. I got back on my feet to explore the contraption. I clicked it on and a soft blues song subtly occupied the room. The music fill me up and I hummed along.

_I fall to pieces,_

_Each time someone speaks your name._

_I fall to pieces._

_Time only adds to the flame_

I wanted to get lost in it but I felt a pressure in my back. I looked around to see the man pushing a plate to me. "You a fan Cas?"

"Yes. I rather enjoy her music. When you sang her song at the roadhouse, I…it was very good Dean. I enjoyed it." The way he said my name, with honest happiness, made me feel a little lighter and I couldn't help my smile from escaping. I turned back to the sofa to sit and Cas joined me. "When did you start singing Dean?" He asked me while I had stuffed the sandwich into my mouth.

"I've been singing for as long as I can remember. I taught myself. I use to sing my little brother to sleep at night when my dad was at the bar. My mother died when Sam was a baby so I guess I was the only one to be his parent." The reminiscing of the thought wasn't as bad as it used to be. I took another bite. "Oh my god Cas, this sandwich is delicious!" I said with my mouthful. He smiled and took a bite of his own.

"Yes, I suppose they are." He replied and glanced back at me. I stuffed the last piece into my mouth ignoring any sort of manners. I guessed that it didn't matter as he started to stuff it down in step.

He passed me the tin of pie with a fork and he stood, letting the tan trench coat fall from his shoulders. It uncovered the rest of his attire which included a blue tie and a white dress shirt. I leaned back into the cushion as he walked to put the coat on a hook. He pulled at the tie around his neck to loosen it. Interestingly enough, it felt like I was watching a show as I stuffed the rest of myself with the crust. He kicked off his shoes at the door and turned to me.

"May I take your shoes?" He asked while advancing on me. I kicked them off for him and he set them aside. He also took the tin from me. No matter how awkward this man was, I appreciated him more than he knew.

The music started to die around us until there was a low noise of static left. Cas quickly turned off the device and it was suddenly silent again.

He came to sit next to me on the sofa. The food started to make me feel a little tired but as I saw him, the way the dim light touched his face gave him a softer appearance. We caught eyes again and the way he looked at me, it was like he was searching for something. Those blue sapphires were impossibly welcoming. But I couldn't keep my eyes from fluttering shut.

His voice rolled under and I barely heard him, but I snapped out of it. He was looking at my hand. My ring.

* * *

Note: So, I just want everyone to know that the story will alternate narrators every chapter between Cas and Dean. Sorry if this caused any confusion :/

Songs:

_I Fall to Pieces _by Patsy Cline


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

His eyelids drooped low and I could see that Dean was falling asleep. I considered letting him rest but his left hand fell between the two of us. I couldn't help examining the wedding band around his finger. "May I ask you a question Dean?"

His body jolted and his eye lids stretched wide. I watched him follow my gaze as I looked down at his hand. He bit his lip and his fingers played with the metal.

"You want to know why I'm married and sleeping in my car, right?" He sounded sleepy and a little defeated.

"I am sorry Dean, I do not want to pry, if you do not wish to talk about it I wo-"

"No it's fine Cas. I guess I figured I would have to tell you sooner or later, seeing as I'm staying here for the night. And damn, stop apologizing all the time. Don't be sorry…" He interjected.

Although I waited for him, he just sat for a while with his fingers nervously playing with his ring for what felt like a very long time. "Dean?" I asked quietly to check if he was alright.

"Oh, I'm just a little parched. Have anything to drink?" He asked me with a sullen undertone. I watched him as he looked off into nothing.

I made my way back to the kitchen. I knew he wasn't asking for a glass of water somehow. I searched through my cupboard to find a fifth of Jack Daniels that was halfway depleted. I showed it to him and he just nodded, waving me back over to him.

I tried looking for some glasses but he still coaxed from the other room. "No just bring the bottle…" I complied and handed it to him while positioning myself next to him again.

I didn't think a man drinking from a bottle could ever be so sensual. His lips pressed lightly into the opening, letting his bottom lip wrap underneath. The way it left his mouth, leaving a pink ring on the top edge. His tongue swept over them, taking any access drops. I watched his adams apple bounce as the hard liquid enter his system.

I was quickly pulled back to the surface as he cleared his throat. "Do you want some?" He asked looking at me. I forgot that I was staring again so I accepted his offer. I mimicked his same actions, forcing it down. It went down smooth as I was accustomed to drinking it. I barely noticed the distaste anymore since I learned that I could drink copious amounts without much affect.

He took back the fifth and repeated before settling himself. "Well, I am married… She's back in Lawrence."

I nodded. "How long?"

"A few years…" Another swig.

"What's her name?" I asked curiously. The way Dean was acting had me worried about him. It was obvious something was wrong but I couldn't estimate how bad it really was.

"Lisa. Lisa Braeden. I met her when I was playing at other bars and venues across the country. She's a yoga teacher you know. Hot," He chuckled as he took another drink, "She had a son with her when I met her. Ben. He's a nice kid. Smart kid…" He stopped, letting the tip linger on his lips for a moment before tipping more alcohol into his mouth. "But... Settling down with someone, it takes a lot away from your career you know? I tried, but she always wanted me home. I couldn't argue even though I was so unhappy not being able to do what I love. About a week ago we had this big fight. She was always complaining about me not paying enough attention to her. Always with my music or something… She told me not to come back until I got my priorities straight…"

I watched the alcohol mix with his sadness and I took the bottle away from him. I pressed it again to my own mouth. The bottle was near empty between the two of us now. "How are you feeling Dean?" I asked when he got quiet.

"Buzzed." He chuckled and scratched at his finger. "Yeah I'm fine now. Never could keep one though. Before her there was Cassie. It was the same with her, not paying enough attention. But I guess I don't blame them. I did tend to put my music over them though. I guess I got distracted..." And with that, the bottle was done.

"It's not your fault Dean," I felt compelled to say, "It doesn't seem right that someone should hold you back from your aspirations. If they truly loved you, they would have supported your happiness." I could feel the alcohol dictating my thoughts now. I knew it was dangerous but I could care less. He was vulnerable and I wanted him to feel better. The only problem was that I wasn't exactly sure how to go about it.

"Thanks Cas –for everything. This, I wasn't expecting all this tonight. Just thank you." He said and tilted his head back against the sofa. His stomach puffed in and out and I could still see the glisten of whiskey mixed with saliva on his bottom lip. I gulped hard.

"You're welcome." I whispered quietly. I knew I should let him rest but my body wouldn't let me leave him. So I studied him. My head rested on my hand that was propped against the top of the cushion as I watched. More and more of me drew closer until I heard his breathing clearly. His eyes shot open, scaring me a little but I didn't pull back. Maybe I was too drunk to care.

"I think…Cas, I think there's something wrong with me." It sounded sad like a plea. He shifted against the fabric on his side so that he faced me. His green eyes shimmered as grasped my wrist. "I think I… I've always had…" He just left his grip there, still looking at me with a broken spirit.

My heart was beating intensely and I knew he could feel it under his fingers. I wanted to move closer to him even though we were so near already. I could smell the whiskey in his breath as I watched his lips expel it. The way they curved in a manner that was feminine only increased his masculinity. I wanted to feel them against my own. My eyelids fell and I could still see his face staring at me in the low light, unmoving. I could feel my body slowly lean forward unknowing of what was to come.

But it never did. I felt his hand release its grip and his weight was removed from next to me. I looked up to see him stretching the way he did at the bar, his shirt lifting up just slightly. His hand reached behind to scratch at the back of his head as he turned to me making an embarrassed chuckle. "Aha, sorry about that Cas. I didn't mean to pour all that on you." He slurred jabbing at me with the empty bottle in his hand. He walked to the counter and set it down. A few seconds later I saw him slide his ring off and pocket it. A small pang of guilt rose in me and I knew there was no use fighting it. I made my way to him.

"It's fine." I said quietly. I tried to straighten myself as I stood next to him. He leaned against the counter on his elbows and nodded towards me.

"So what about you? You know a little about me, I wanna know something about you." He said flashing a refreshing smile.

I felt hesitant. My past was uneventful, away from others, and living in fear of judgment. I didn't exactly know what to say. I searched my hazy head for something to tell him as I crossed my arms. "Well, you know I am from Illinois. I'm actually from quite a large family –a multitude of brothers and sisters. Very religious and also…extremely wealthy." I said and watched his reaction. My current home was a little more humble than what I could probably be living in. He did raise his eyebrows at me but kept listening. He wore a relaxed smile as he did so. It was comforting. "I moved here to -well, relieve myself from all that. I have a few conflicting views with my family and I left as soon as I could. I never exactly told them why, but they respected my wishes well enough."

"Do you still keep in contact with 'em?" He asked propping himself onto the counter to sit.

"I do occasionally get cards from a few siblings on the holidays. More often I get calls from my brother Gabriel. Most of them work under my father's corporation but I was unhappy in that line of work-"

Dean furrowed his eyebrows. "Hey Cas, what's your last name?"

"Novak. Why?"

He jumped off the counter and approached me with a bewildered look on his face. "Like NOVAK Industries?!" He asked and I nodded. "Damn Cas, they're like the biggest Christian Music industry right now." I nodded again and hung my head to the floor. I was hoping to avoid this subject completely but it was inevitable I guess. "Hey, you okay?" He asked. I looked up at him and wasn't expecting him to hover less than an arm's length away from me.

"Y-Yeah, I am fine." I stuttered not knowing if it was the alcohol or Dean. I held my arm to steady myself. My eyes drifted down his torso, his open flannel hid a broad chest that was complimented by a well fitted t-shirt. I traveled back up seeing the contours of his collarbones. I could feel my breath tighten as his face changed in thought.

"What were they?" He asked very assumingly.

I didn't quite register at first but I racked my mind to our conversation away from his torso. "Huh?" I asked in reassurance.

"What 'conflicting views' did you exactly have with your family?" He seemed so determined to know and I didn't quite understand why. I also couldn't think very clearly with him so close. The booze had deterred any sense of personal space to Dean. But that didn't matter at all to me.

"I, uhm… I am… a… -an atheist." My chest clenched at the lie I had uttered. I wasn't an atheist, far from it, but I couldn't gather the courage to say it, even with being intoxicated. It was the heaviest burden I had to bear. I did it for my whole life and seeing Dean come in so quickly to it. I could feel him pushing down my walls but they were still there. Still keeping me from letting him in.

He seemed to relax. His hand wiped at his face as he leaned next to me on the countertop. "Oh…me too." The sound of disappointment in his voice perplexed me. Dean's eyes were avoiding mine as they scrambled around the kitchen trying to find interest in something, anything, else. We sat in silence until Dean's broad voice pierced the room again. "Hey, I've got an idea…" and then he walked to the doormat and struggled to get his shoes on. I couldn't understand why he was doing that but soon he was up and had left out the door. He was gone for a few minutes and I couldn't bring myself to move out of the same spot. In the back of my mind I even had the small fear that he wouldn't come back.

But he did and with him, he carried his black guitar case in. It seemed like he was struggling so I obliged to go and help. He teetered as he tried to kick off a boot and leaned against the wall. I could see that he was being affected a little more now.

Maybe a normal person would have helped him by holding his guitar case, and I don't know why I didn't. I knelt down and tugged at his shoes for him. I heard hysterical laughter from above me and Dean was clutching his stomach with his eyes closed. His laugh was contagious as well as a bit charming to say the least. He swung a hand at my shoulder playfully and made his way to the living area. He just plopped himself right down in the middle of the carpet.

I watched in wonder at these new child-like antics of his. He caught my eye and smiled, patting the floor in front of him for me to sit. I positioned myself with my legs cross comfortably as he pulled the guitar from its rest. He put it in his lap and plucked a few strings out, tuning it by ear.

"Cas, you know The Beatles, right?" He asked still tuning the strings.

"Of course. They've become quite popular…" I replied.

"Then you should know this song…" He stopped tuning and looked intensely at me. The first few notes came and I couldn't help but recognize it.

_Hey jude, don't make it bad._

_Take a sad song and make it better._

_Remember to let her into your heart,_

_Then you can start to make it better._

His smile as he sung could have taken me forever. When he sang, he was so happy, so lost in himself that the world didn't matter as long as he was singing. Nothing I had ever heard sounded as pure as his voice did to me. It was soft and honest.

He played for several minutes to the end. And my body swayed slightly, never letting my eyes leave that smile.

_Na na na na Hey Jude…_

The last chord played and echoed inside his instrument. The room somehow felt like it was tilted. Until I realized that I was leaning forward. Pressing my lips to his.

* * *

Note: (Review! Tell me if you like it so far please :) Also, for the next chapter, if you are listening to the songs as you read, I'd also tip you to go to the bottom and get the song so you can set up the cue beforehand XD)

Songs:

_Hey Jude _by The Beatles


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I felt his lips, soft, a little chapped, but just right and touching mine. What surprised me wasn't that I kissed him back; it was how forcefully my drunken body responded. My hand snaked behind his neck and pulled him in. The muscles in my lips started to grow more intense almost fighting his to get closer.

I could feel myself remove the guitar that separated us. It was like I let the water flow from a dam as his body lurched forward to crash into mine. My back was against the sofa and my hands traveled the length of his back, his face pressing so hard into mine the back of my head started to push into the cushion. The scruff on his jaw created dense friction on our skin when I pulled him down with his loose tie. His pelvis crashed into mine as he leaned over me. My legs where sprawled and I felt like I could wrap myself around him.

It all happened so fast.

A moment of lucidity crossed over my mind as I heard him moan so deeply into my lips. The small stroke of fear and confusion hit me like brick. My hands pushed him away, throwing him onto the floor in front of me. He looked just as dazed and confused as I felt. I had no time to let the racing in my chest calm down as I looked into his eyes. They seemed to register and I've never seen the amount of hurt in someone in my life. Those beautiful blues shined on the verge of tears. His mouth fell open like he wanted to say something but he eventually just scrambled away back to his bedroom. The door shut loudly and I was left alone.

"fuck…" I whispered, still sprawled in the same position. I felt a large amount of guilt and regret immediately. A moment passed where I thought about leaving. "I was such an idiot, I should have never said yes to stay the night," I thought. But, I haven't felt quite like this for a very long time; maybe even ever. I've only known Cas for a night and he had an effect no one else managed to have. And that kiss…

I picked up my instrument and slowly stood up. My heart was beating with less confidence. I still could just leave, but I knew Cas deserved better than that. I thought about how lonely his life was. I wanted him happy.

I stared at the wooden door for a long time. He probably thought I did leave. Instead, I stepped towards it, letting my knuckles connect softly. "Cas?" I nearly whispered. I glanced down at the door knob and tried it. It turned with a click and I felt a whole new wave of nerves float over me.

Everything I did was slow and cautious. I never felt so scared before and the edge of alcohol didn't even cushion it. I took a deep breath and pushed on the door just a crack. There wasn't a push back or yelling so I continued. "Cas?" I said softly again standing in the doorway.

The way I saw him made me crumble inside. He sat facing away from me on the other side of the bed. A single lamp illuminated the room and the shadows of his room were just as lonely and bare as I'm sure he felt. He didn't answer me but just sat there without moving.

I felt apprehensive about entering the room. I didn't know if he would tell me to leave or not. I don't think I would if he told me to. In any case, I made myself man up and walk tentatively to the closer bedside. I think I saw him shudder as I sat down. "Cas?" I tried again. No matter how long I waited, I knew he wouldn't say a thing. I let out a sigh and picked up my guitar. I thought for a moment. And then I started playing.

_Are you lonesome tonight, _

_Do you miss me tonight? _

_Are you sorry we drifted apart? _

_Does your memory stray to a brighter summer day _

_When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?_

I concentrated hard to let him know that I was sorry. Everything I sang, it had to be perfect for him. He looked so fragile. Then his head turned slightly my way, acknowledging me at least. The small success was all I needed.

_Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again? _

_Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?_

I stopped playing, letting the last note ring off the metal strings. I waited for him and he turned to me. His eyes were so sad, so tired. But they looked up at me with an intention.

"_I wonder if you're lonesome tonight, you know someone said that the worlds a stage and each must play a part," _He said imitating the king of rock's voice, "_Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart…"_

I think… As he recited that song back to me, word for word; I could feel myself relax. This happiness… I was falling in love with him. Even in this slightly flushed state, I was sober enough to know what I was feeling. The monologue went on and the joy I saw in his eyes pierced my soul somewhere deep. Something somewhere broke and all of a sudden I knew where I was. What I wanted. With Cas, I think I'd be all right.

_"And if you won't come back to me, then make them bring the curtain down…" _He finished and I picked up the playing again. This time he joined me when I sang. His voice was low and so rich in the harmony.

_Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again? _

_Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?_

My nerves turned to something else as he looked at me. Nothing could have prepared me for meeting this man.

"Dean, I'm sorry I-"

"Don't be sorry…" I whispered and tipped his chin up to meet my lips.

* * *

I don't know how long we talked on his bed. We laid down and faced each other on the sheets discussing music, his family, and my career. He was actually shocked to find out that I didn't even know how to read music. After that, he showered me with endless compliments that I could barely handle until my cheeks were on fire from smiling.

Cas got very quiet after a while though. I shifted to him closer on the bed sharing his breath. "What are you thinking about?" I asked placing my hand on his forearm. My thumb brushed the skin underneath it.

"I was just… wondering if this was real." He said still captivated in his own mind. The man breathed a sigh and closed his eyes. "I thought I was crazy to think that you-"

I placed my hand on the side of his face and leaned close to place a chaste kiss on him. "I'm real." I said. This man must have been living so alone for years. I couldn't imagine how he survived so long without a single person in his life.

"I didn't think that others would… That another person like me could-"

"Cas." I interrupted, "Be quiet." My voice felt raw now from the night. It had been through a lot and the gravel in it started coming up. I didn't want to talk anymore. My hands reached around to his back and pulled him closer to the heat of my body pressing my lips to his again.

All those years of nothing, no feeling of anyone's touch; he deserved this and so much more. We turned over, his body above me. This was new to the both of us and I wanted to be the one to share it with him. I wanted to be the one to love him. He straddled my waist and my hands fumbled with his shirt. Button by button, his white dress shirt and tie were off and on the floor followed by his white undershirt. The thud sounded on my guitar but I didn't care.

I let my hands travel up his chest and down the small of his back to his ass. I could never give in to the fact that I preferred a man's; until now. Cas pushed himself into my grip as he propped himself on his forearms to kiss me. My fingers dragged down his slacks and over his thighs as I craned my neck for him.

I thought he would taste like the alcohol we shared but it was a bit more pleasant. I could only describe it as Cas. And I wanted so much more. Lips parted between our kisses and I let my tongue explore him. His hands held underneath my jaw bringing me to him.

He pulled away with a sound. "Dean…" he moaned my named as he caught his breath. I didn't notice how much it took out of me until we did stop. My chest rose and fell frantically. I could feel a tug at the bottom of my shirt and I let him pull it off as I shrugged off my other.

We admired each other's glow for what felt like an hour, just basking. He sat above me; his stomach had surprising contours that were hiding underneath that tax accountant get-up for too long. I couldn't help but drag the pads of my fingers down them, leaving pink trails of friction. They brushed down over his waist and I felt his hard outline of desire through the fabric.

I glanced up to his eyes. They were blown wide, concentration was riddled with lust. I was throbbing underneath and he knew. "Cas, are you –are you sure?" The better question was if I was. I had never done this. I bucked my hips to shift under him a little but a small pain hit my right hip.

Maybe it was a sign. I was aware of the ring that I took off inside my pocket and I didn't feel a damn thing. Nothing. No guilt or remorse that this is where I ended up. Was it really only a week ago that Lisa was in my past? Whatever ties I had with her were right here in front of me. Two years flashed by and were about to end with Cas. He was the angel that was going to raise me out of the hell I've been living in.

He nodded and bent down to kiss me softly. "Are _you_?" he whispered sensually into my ear. I could feel the warm vibrations through his chest that was resting on me. His heartbeat sang with mine and I was sure.

"Yes." I answered and took one last nervous breath and kissed his neck.

* * *

Notes: I'm sorry this chapter is shorter, but from now on I'll think they'll be much longer. I was just drilling these out since I was on break from school but now that I'm not, they will probably come later but I'll make it up by them being longer :3

Songs:

_Are you Lonesome Tonight? _by Elvis Presley


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

My life had never felt so complete before. That day was the beginning of something new. Every day I woke up to that lazy smile, that slightly messy bedhead, and those cheeks full of freckles. The guilt fell away quickly as I felt every part of his love for me. I didn't even think it was possible for someone too…feel this way. I think I fell too hard for him that week.

* * *

_1 week later_

I could feel bright lights invading the slits of my closed eyes. They tore open slowly to the sunrise in the window. The curtains were open letting the morning fill him with that now familiar feeling. It felt so nice to let out that satisfying sigh from a good night. My sprawled arm felt empty sheets next to me as they tangled with them. I looked to the vacant space next to me immediately turning to other senses to locate him. I heard rustling in the other room and my small lapse subsided. I collapsed to my back and stared at the ceiling feeling a little stupid with the grin that was crossing my face. The door creaked open and I watched as Dean poked his head inside the smaller room.

"You awake sleepyhead? I'm making breakfast." He said a little hushed with his white grin. I beamed at him, pulling myself from the sheets that unclothed my naked body. A slight chill went up my spine as I stretched. I heard him whistle which sent a small chuckle in my throat. He went back to the kitchen and I pulled on some clothes.

"Ellen's having me play tonight Cas. Before I…" Dean called from the kitchen. I pulled on a fresh shirt from a drawer. Dean's words were muffled by the fabric.

"What was that?!" It hurt to raise my voice so early in the morning as it threatened to break. I got up from the bed and wandered into the living area. He was preparing toast on a plate and also pouring a glass of water. He looked back to me but just continued to butter. "Dean…" I said absentmindedly as I approached him from behind and set a palm on the area between his strong shoulder blades.

He looked at me again and I didn't like it. The way he did told me enough. "Before I head back to Kansas." He said very timidly.

"Heading... back?" I repeated the words slowly and leaned against the counter. The happiness the morning brought slipped away leaving me feeling to empty again to soon. I understood though. I knew it was coming.

"Yeah, but Cas, this…" He paused and those bad feelings started to haunt me. I almost didn't want him to finish the sentence, but my luck seemed to be changing with the expression he wore. He was gazing out the window over the sink with that smile on his face. "This is the craziest thing I've ever done," He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye, "and it's also the best. Cas, I want you to know that I'm not –don't think I'm going to leave you okay? Look, I just have to settle things back in Lawrence and then it'll be us okay?"

"You- you're going to tell her?" I asked perplexed.

"…no. Well, not exactly. No, I mean I can't." He said a little cross with himself. He scratched the back of his head as he scowled. He placed his hand on my hip and the other on the back of my neck. I felt the soft touch of his lips on mine before he pulled away to look at me. "Are _we _crazy?" he asked furrowing his eyebrow.

"Yes." I said simply and allowed myself to take him against me again. The flame inside never ceased to ignite every time we kissed. By the time we broke apart and panted from the lack of oxygen, we found ourselves on the sofa again.

I had discovered that I rather enjoyed being on top of him. Looking down and having such dominance over something as pure as Dean gave me a wildfire of desire for him. It wasn't long before his and my fresh clothing had been stripped away and on the floor. My hips rolled over his stomach as his hands traveled up my torso.

"Dean…" I gasped as he gripped me. It was unbelievable how much he enjoyed seeing me in such a vulnerable state. His hand worked and I felt him rut against me with equal pleasure at the same time. I pushed into him and the invasion had me gasping for air. My fingers locked against his biceps as we rocked in rhythm to each other.

I wasn't in control of my body when I got like this. This hunger that was released because of Dean needed to be satisfied and the frenzy had me clinging to the man. My lips fought his as he nipped at mine and I sucked at his. Hands ran heavy through each other's hair as we desperately clung for purchase.

Red marks started to line our bodies as labored breathing and hoarse groans filled the room. My body was building to ecstasy. Every move was an addiction with him inside. He was my addiction.

I heard him moan my name into my neck as he kissed and bit. He was so close and I could feel us picking up the pace like a race to the end. He lifted himself off the cushions with leverage of his legs, piercing me inside until my body begged and quaked. My forehead rested on the sofa arm above his and rubbed against it with friction from the rocking. I tried to suppress my whimpers but it was useless. I was so close that I didn't even care. I felt his warm breath on my shoulder as he stroked me faster and faster, knowing that we both would come at the same time. My hips rolled one last time and near screams echoed from our makeshift bed. I covered us and it stung hot in every place it touched.

His body finally collapsed underneath me and I fell on top of him with heavy breathing between us. We were sticky, riddled with sweat, and it felt amazing. My senses were falling back to earth as I shifted on top of him, just lying with my head against his chest. His heartbeat could lull me back to sleep easily. I wanted it too; I wanted him to always to be here with me. He would have to leave soon and the thought was torture. We basked in each other for as long as we both could take before having to cleanse ourselves.

The water was so warm and it was the comfort I needed for all of this. That, and his arms that wrapped around my waist and pulled me close to him under the warm shower. He pressed his lips lightly on my neck and I took a moment in this bliss until the water ran cold.

I could tell that it was going to be a long few days that he would be gone as he had me pinned against the drywall. His lips could never get enough of me and I was never going to deny them. "Man, I'm going to miss that…" he smiled and rested his forehead against mine. His fingers traced along my chest and the small boyish smile he radiated at himself could bring me to my knees. "Don't go off findin' more of that until I'm back alright?"

"Never…" I said and connected our lips like magnets one last time.

* * *

"Ellen!" He shouted as he waltzed through the tables of the roadhouse to the woman wiping down a table. She beamed up at him strained to hug him as the man almost towered over her.

I walked behind at a few paces and she peered around to me still with a smile. Over the week, we had been to the Roadhouse a few times and the fact that it was Dean and I that had always entered together hadn't gone unnoticed by Ellen. It seemed that she assumed we had taken up a close friendship and well… we had; a _very_ close friendship.

The irony actually held some anchor of fear inside but I held a smile as we greeted. "Hello Ellen," I said politely. Being with Dean had actually increased my compatibility with others socially and Ellen was becoming a better friend than before. She waved and turned her attention back to her considered kin.

As they talked about Dean's plans of travel home, I glanced around the room considering sitting in my regular seat at the bar. Sadly, there was a man that sat in my familiar place. I took notice of him immediately as he was turned facing me and I instinctively followed his gaze. I turned seeing Dean and Ellen again and then back at the stranger. The Roadhouse was a little bare this time of day and the fact that a stranger was looking at some commotion didn't strike me as abnormal in anyway. At least, it didn't until when I went to take a seat next to him, no acknowledgement of me was made. He kept his gaze at what I presumed to be Dean as his eyes followed him to the stage after he finished talking to Ellen.

He was much burlier than Dean or I. His beard was well kempt which was complimented with a dark captains hat. I couldn't help but compare myself to him because he was quite an attractive man. He was eyeing Dean too intensely. I tried to ignore my feelings that were clearly ridiculous and primal and ordered a beer from Ellen. I played with the condensation on the glass and felt a little startled when the man next me spoke up.

"Excuse me, but who is that man over there?" He spoke with a thick but suave southern accent that could melt the hearts of anyone within earshot. I turned my attention to him sharply and had to find the words to speak for a moment.

"Dean. Dean Winchester. He is –ah… Performing tonight." I watched him nod and continue to stare at the man with an intensity that made me a little uncomfortable; even more so when I heard him repeat Dean's name under his breath. "Excuse me, but may I ask who you are?" I asked trying not to sound rude.

He craned to look at me and his eyes went up and down before he completely turned to me. "Benjamin Lafitte." I couldn't help but feel silently judged by his invasive eyes. "Howd'you do?" he held out a hand which I took trying to seem mutually friendly.

"Fine. Castiel Novak." I said as we released grips. His eyebrows shot up at the sound of my name and there was something in his eye that sent chills through me. He looked back at Dean and smiled to me. I had never seen such a fake one in my life.

"Pleasure," He said and finished the contents of his glass. "So… You know him?" I felt a little taken aback by this man. His tone was so curious and it was making me concerned to the least.

"Yes. I uh- we…" I didn't know exactly what to say. "Dean and I are close acquaintances." It came out rushed and I wanted to leave this man's side but my seat held me down like an anchor. I let the alcohol consume me as a distraction.

"Uh-huh…" The man bit his lip and turned back to Dean who was setting up his guitar on the small stage. I decided that I did not like him looking at Dean. My guess was that he wasn't much unlike me. Dean was attractive, but he wasn't available to anyone else but me. The possessive side of me heated a small hatred for the man next to me. I would have never picked myself as the victim of jealousy.

As I sipped on the edge of my glass, I felt a hand on my shoulder, warm and familiar. I turned and saw a smiling face that brightened me up from my mood. He leaned against the counter-top and tipped his head back to Ellen who poured him a glass.

"Hey, made yourself a new friend?" He nodded to the man next to me and I didn't know how exactly to respond other than the natural bulging of my eyes. Luckily he just laughed and patted my shoulder before drinking.

"I'm Benjamin." The voice behind me spoke up. I could see him lean over his glass to look at Dean who gave him the eye contact. The way he beamed at Dean made me want to throw him from the Roadhouse by his collar. "You can call me Benny…"

I frowned at the nickname that he had given himself for Dean but Dean just smiled back. "Benny… well, nice to meet you." Dean said as he extended his hand in front of me to him. It bothered me so much the way Dean was so suavely talking to Benny. Not only that, but the fact that their conversation had me placed in between them without notice put me in a position I didn't want to be in. I was getting enough of the two smiling at each other, talking about music -Dean's music especially- so I politely excused myself from them.

As I walked to the restroom, I glanced back over my shoulder to see Dean taking my seat and sitting closer to Benny, still flirtatiously discussing. I felt my heart clench as I pushed through the door.

* * *

Notes: Okay, sorry, Yeah I know this chapter isn't longer like I promised but I've been so busy this month. And especially next month so just bare with me and I will plunk these out :3 also reviews! Tell me what you like and what you want to see!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I haven't been this nervous to perform in a long time.

After talking to Benny, my palms started sweating too much and my pulse was racing just thinking about singing in front of him. The room started to fill up and I waited in the back with Ellen. She seemed just excited as I was.

I tried searching for Cas but I hadn't seen him since he left for the bathroom almost an hour ago. I guess I was too busy talking to Benny to notice where he had gone. I didn't want to do this without him and it put a little worry in my stomach.

Another person came in through the door and he caught my eyes. Cas's cheeks were flushed from the outside and he wore a very solemn look. "Cas!" I shouted from the other side of the room and he looked for me among the gathering crowd. He spotted us and stalked through the people like they were poisonous. His expression just had me concerned as I searched for something to say.

"Cas, you okay? Didn't see you step outside…" He seemed weary. I watched as his lips just pressed into a line with a reluctant nod.

"I needed some fresh air…" His eyes were sad.

Ellen was suddenly called away to a table leaving us alone and I was free with him now. "Look, I'm not going to be gone that long. Maybe a week, two at most." I said hushed as I stepped forward to him.

He looked at me and his confused look was contagious as I became a little confused too. "Yes… I know. But I'm…" He paused for a moment. "I apologize, I'm not use to having someone…there. I wish you a safe trip Dean."

I watched as he just looked away and found a seat in the sea of people. He just sat down and looked down at wooden surface unmoving. It hurt to leave him like this. I wanted to comfort him but Ellen was calling me on. Showtime.

A lot more people were packed into the Roadhouse than usual. It seemed like word got around about me, thanks to Ellen of course. I could feel the crowds eyes follow me as I made my way to the stage where Ellen pulled up a barstool for me. The light glared in my eyes before focusing on the now hushed crowd. Normally this was my element. But I just remembered Benny and I had to smile to hide my nerves of excitement. I pulled my guitar into my lap and shifted comfortably, finding a good place for the mic to sit. Another deep breath and another smile did the trick as I got into the moment.

"Hello, I'm Dean Winchester. I'll be playing for you tonight…" The crowd clapped and it did its best to relax me but I couldn't help the heartbeat that was pounding against my ribcage. "This song is one of my favorites by the late and great Patsy Cline, The Wayward Wind…"

As I cleared my throat I searched for the man I would sing this too. The lights shined too bright for me to find his face so I just sighed at started the steady tap on the instrument.

_Oh, the wayward wind is a restless wind _

_A restless wind that yearns to wander _

_And he was born the next of kin _

_The next of kin to the wayward wind_

My fingers strummed and it was the best comfort I could find to calm my storm of nerves. The only thing I could think of was doing this perfect. The planted foot I had on the stage was falling asleep under the guitar and was forcing me to shift. My lips lightly brushed against the mic on the next verse and gave a small boom into the speakers.

The small hiccup drained me of confidence until I looked back out and saw another smiling face beaming back at me. It was playful and I couldn't help the smile that took place on my own face as I continued to sing. All doubts left with that verse and I finished with that spark of satisfaction.

_The next of kin to the wayward wind_

The roar of applause held me up as I smiled and waved bashfully. Ellen rushed up to me with a glass of water and whispered something like 'you're knockin' em dead hun!' or something like that. I couldn't really tell apart from the loud room but I just thanked her for it. The rest of my set went by smoothly after that and whatever hesitations I had about the performance were gone as I saw Benny with a giant grin making his way to me.

Most of the people were piling out but Benny did finally get through to the stage as he took my hand into a firm shake.

"Spectacular Mr. Winchester. That was quite a show." He said in his low voice and winked. I felt higher than heaven.

"Please. Call me Dean." I returned his with wink of my own as we let go of hands. My laughter came out like a relief from the tension I was harboring. The room was still very loud so when he was still chuckling, he stepped closer and his face was on the side of mine.

"Like I said, very good Daddy'O. _Very _Good." He said and his breath tickled my ear. "Now if you would allow, I'd really love to have your digits."

My mind went over this opportunity a few time before I hear myself say 'yes'. I wrote down my number on a napkin he handed me and he just winked again. "Thank you… Now, to avoid this crowd, I'm gonna get blitzed elsewhere. Expect a call _Dean_." And with that, he was out the door with a wave.

I stood with complete elation and probably a dumb grin hanging from my face and I saw Cas standing there watching me. It was like he could start crying at any second and my happiness was gone, struck by reality. "Hey, hey-"I waltzed over to him. "What's wrong Cas? Look, we still have a few hours left…"

I was expecting a reply. Anything really, but he just looked at me like I was hurting him. I wanted to touch him, hold him, something; but he sort of beat me too it. His arms were around me in a tight embrace and I felt cold shuddering through his tan trench coat. "Dean, tell me you love me…" He whispered desperately into my ear. I noticed the people around us starting to look.

I started to feel frantic not knowing what was wrong with Cas exactly and also because of this odd public display of affection. I tried to look as casual as I could by returning the hug to him but there was too much going on at this moment. "Cas? Cas, what's wrong" I attempted pulling away but it was a struggle against his arms. Another spectacle as we broke apart and I saw his face again that was same as before. "Hey, it's going to be fine. Look I'll –I'll write. I'll write to you, I'll call you. Whatever it takes Cas." His head was bowed to the floor and I just casually waved to the people that were staring confused at us.

"Okay…" His hoarse voice grumbled. I couldn't help feeling a little guilty. I didn't realize how alone he felt. How I could come into his world and leave him so suddenly. I wish I could stay but it just wasn't a possibility at the moment.

The people around us started to disappear and Ellen was left at her station cleaning glasses. She just looked at us with an eyebrow raised and nothing to say. I didn't really have much to say either and I was about to chew right through my lip. Cas finally looked up at me, his face was now curious, just like it always use to be. "Alright?" I asked again for some kind of reassurance.

He nodded and just looked around like he didn't know where he was for a second. A hand took mine and I was being pulled after him to the back towards the restrooms rather forcefully. I looked back to see only a few people in the bar; none that seemed to notice aside from Ellen and a man with striking yellow eyes who gave us the most suspicious look I had ever seen.

Before I knew it, I was pressed against the inside of a stall with lips fighting hard into mine while another part of me was being groped. My head span wild for a second before I could respond with a soft hum into Cas. His hands were frantically searching all over me, finding places to touch and feel; and I couldn't deny him that. The hardness beneath the fabric of my jeans sprang quickly to life and was rubbed relentlessly by his brutal hands.

"C-Cas…" I tried to stifle my moans but he was desperate for something. As his hand went up my shirt, he thumbed a puckered nipple and it sent another satisfied sound into the mix of heavy breathing. All the regrets I was having about defiling Ellen's bathroom went away quickly with each and every kiss. My shirt came off fast and hung on the toilet paper dispenser but our mouths never seemed to part.

The fire in him lit me up as his fingertips stung against my skin. He pulled me around as he sat on the seat, still clawing at my chest. His mouth caressed the trail down my stomach, licking and nipping. I watched the black hairs on his head move back to reveal a tender puppy-dog face just begging as his hand pulled at my button.

How could I say no to that look? My head tilted back as my hands pushed fingers into his misplaced strands. My waistband loosened around me and his breath burned hot through the thin layer of boxer-shorts that was separating us. His lips lined the contour of my girth sending tingles of fervor to my face that flushed red as cherries. "Cas…" I couldn't help the tremble of my lips say his name. My hands planted against the stall walls in support.

The cool air rushed against my sensitive skin that popped over the elastic as he pulled it down. As quick as the coldness came, his mouth replaced it with hot frenzy. Cas's lips slid down, increasing blood flow against his tongue until I felt like I had peaked against his throat.

I wanted to scream. My body trembled as the sensations became too much. It was everything I could to do to stop myself from fucking his mouth or letting Ellen know of our blasphemous act. I just watched as his head bobbed against the hilt. My mouth fell open letting staggered breaths flow out. Another barrage of cool air hit when his lips popped over my tip. His right hand came to comfort the loss but there seemed to be a different look in Cas's eye. His feet shot up to cross over the seat and our eyes met with worry.

I suddenly tuned into the sound of shuffling footsteps. The heart rate in my chest intensified as I could picture the owner of the footsteps scanning the bathroom since they had stopped after the door had closed with a small echo. Cas's hand still worked to keep me hard which I was half grateful for. I heard them continue (I assumed towards the trough) and heard the steady stream that let me relax slightly into Cas's blissful grip. I watched as his eyes darted from left to right knowing he was visualizing the man's movements as well.

We heard the faucet. The towel. Another pause of footsteps, and then the echo of the shut door.

My chest collapsed when I let out the breath I was holding. He smiled up at me before continuing where he left of in confidence. It was amazing how quickly I could forget such immediate danger with this sinful ecstasy. My senses forced a growl through a suppressed moan as I felt his tongue press up against my length. He could've made me buckle over him at the rate he was going now, using both his mouth and hand.

"Cas… C-Cas… I'm gonna- gonna…" He replied with hum of pleasure that vibrated through me. He gripped my hips which brought him impossibly closer until my head reeled. I didn't know how far I was in him knowing that all of me _was actually inside his throat. _Just the thought pushed me over the edge. Everything had built up was emptied inside of him. My hands held onto his head as my legs threatened to give out beneath me.

_Fuck. _I thought regaining my bearings. I watched Cas finish as he wiped his mouth and look up with a melting smile that I could only return with a lazy but well-satisfied grin. "I… Love you…" I huffed bringing his beaming face up to mine. I loved the way I tasted on him.

"I love you too Dean." He whispered. As he straightened, I could feel his erection against my limp one through his slacks. I whined groping him but he just held onto my wrists. "It's fine. That was a parting gift. Until you come back…" Maybe it was just me, but I always found the sound of his low formal voice to be unbearably sexy. All I could do was kiss him until our lips were sore from the over exertion. I thought it was just my imagination that I heard another echo of the bathroom door.

* * *

I smelled the rush of smoky air when we entered a now very empty roadhouse. I was a little surprised when I looked around. There was only one guy, but as I looked, it was that yellow-eyed man who was just staring at me with the most loathing look I had ever seen. His body leaned against the door to the outside as he pushed it open. I saw him mumble something under his breath before he disappeared into the night.

I heard Cas come out of the bathroom behind me and I just turned to avert my confused attention elsewhere. "You good?" I asked as he fixed the lapels on his trench coat. He nodded so I made my way to the bar to a distraught Ellen. A pit of worry was gathering in my stomach again. "Ellen… How is it?"

She popped her head up to look me in the eye. The amount of shame that she expressed with the slight shake of her head at me could have knocked me out then and there. "Not… good. Dean. Do you want to tell me why I had a man come out of the bathroom telling me that a couple of 'fags' are _cop in' a feel _in there?" She drug out the words like venom with her serious tone. My insides sank a mile and her disgust was something that I hadn't witnessed. "Dammit Dean… I shoulda' known." She continued to shake her head and I became aware of Cas who was still behind me. Cas.

I whipped around and saw him crumble behind those emotionless eyes. He stared at the floor in shame and I wouldn't know how he was feeling if he wasn't physically shaking. I abandoned myself for him when I placed my hands on his shoulders. "Cas?" I said quietly trying to catch his gaze.

"I apologize Ellen…" He said quickly on the verge of breaking and turned out of my hands signaling that it was time to go. She didn't say anything and when I looked over my shoulder on the way out, she didn't even bother to look.

I found Cas already in the passenger's seat of the impala when I left the Roadhouse. I got in the car and he was silent. I felt the sting of fear and rejection, but I guess it was nothing like what Cas was feeling. The ride back to his house was dark and the hum of the heater was the only thing that kept me sane.

"I'm so sorry Dean." He croaked from where he as sitting after I cut the engine. I could hear the fear in him as well but he kept his calm composure. "I shouldn't have… this is my fault."

My head snapped to him. "What?! Cas, this -by no means- is your fault!" I nearly shouted.

"But Dean, you would have never-"

"Stop! It's no use. It's not like we could keep this a secret forever alright?!"

"But your career…" He said quietly. I didn't think about that until now and it hit a little harder than I wanted it too. My eyes wandered away from him and rested on nothing in particular.

"It's fine. This isn't going to matter Cas I swear. It won't get passed Ellen. I'll…I'll talk to her or something." I said at last.

We sat in more silence for a very long while. This time, it was because of something different. Something I really didn't want to have happen. Not like this.

"You have everything?" He said looking up to me. I tried not to look him in his sad blue eyes but they were there. And I wanted to remember them. Just in case.

* * *

Notes: Reviews! also, I don't know when I'll have the next chapter done! again... busy month next month!

Songs:

_The Wayward Wind_ by Patsy Cline


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

_Love me tender,_

_Love me sweet,_

_Never let me go._

_You have made my life complete,_

_And I love you so_

The music echoed throughout the house from the old record player in the living area. For days now, I couldn't bring myself to leave the sofa. I went through every Patsy Cline, Elvis, and Dusty Springfield album I owned dozens of times. Just sitting here. Waiting.

Work was the only obligation I had outside of the house. There was no way that I would go back to the solitude of the Roadhouse. I no longer felt that I was welcome. Ellen seemed to make that clear and I did not wish to give her anymore trouble.

Not a word from Dean since he had left and I could feel the weight beginning to pull. I started to feel distressed and concerned and that he may not come back. Images of him and his wife making amends and living perfectly the way they were meant to flooded my mind. All gave me the dreadful feeling that I would sit here alone for the rest of my life if I continued to wait. Where else would I go? I feared the outside and the proof was rung around the bottom lid of my eyes. I could barely sleep without the thought of missing him waking me up.

The record finally went quiet on the player and the small white noise from the speaker lingered. I didn't bother getting up to change it or turn it off. The only thing I wanted to do was wait and sleep until Dean came back to me. So I let my eyes drift away, letting the shutters of my eyelids close until there was nothing but black.

I nearly fell off the sofa hearing the sound of the rotary phone in the kitchen go off. My legs were asleep but I stumbled quickly into the room. The only thing I had been waiting for and it was finally here. "Hello?!" I asked quickly into the phone. I could only hear slight rustling at first.

"Hey, Castiel!"

I paused a moment before speaking. "Hello Gabriel…" I sat against the counter with the small sense of guilt that derived from the moment of being let down at first. My brother Gabriel was not Dean but he was still someone on the outside that did not think of me so erroneously.

"How is it Cassy? How's…Nebraska?" The light-hearted tone on the other end was a source of comfort that I attached myself to gladly. I felt warmth when I found my voice again to respond.

"It's cold. Quiet." I said leaning into the ear piece.

"Sounds perfect for ya," The crisp sound of his laughter hit a nostalgic root that produced a grin across my face. "Nah, I'm just messing with you Castiel." He paused for a moment. "Hey, I just wanted to let you know… that I am coming up this weekend." He said before I had the chance to reply.

"You are?!" I felt a little more ecstatic than I intended. The thought of seeing my brother let me relax and a light in my darkness started to shine a little brighter. "When? Why?"

"Well uh… Dad. Apparently there's some talent near where you are and it's reached the studio's ears. Yeah, Dad is sending me up there to find –a uhm… Dean Winchester? Know of 'em?" I felt my stomach turn a little at the news. My mind raced with thoughts of introducing Gabriel to Dean. But, that's not where my worry was coming from. It was the rest of my family that I couldn't bear to have Dean deal with. I debated silently what I would say next but my thoughts were interrupted. "Castiel?"

"I actually –uhm. Know… a Dean Winchester. He plays at the Harvelle Roadhouse a few miles from my home." I decided quickly. The picture of Dean signing with my family had my nerves going wild. But then I thought about his career. I couldn't ruin it anymore. "He's in Lawrence right now though. Lawrence Kansas. That's where he lives."

"Oh." He said with an interested inflection.

The feeling of him going to Lawrence instead of visiting was placed inside my head quickly as I reacted, "But I believe he is coming back soon. That is what he informed me of."

"Ah…" Gabriel's voice seemed pleased and I sighed relief. "Well, I guess I'll see you then? Don't mind if I have an extended stay right?"

"Not at all." I smiled.

"Oh, and Michael is coming too. I forgot to mention. Is that alright?"

The smile on my face faded slowly into a pressed form of my lips. I didn't mind Michael. But he was most like my father in the sense of… well, everything; especially moral standards. Gabriel finding out about Dean and I was something that was manageable knowing him. But Michael was a different story. Dean meeting Michael had a vibrant air of tension with just the thought of it. "Yes. Of course."

"Right on. See you this weekend then."

"Alright Gabr-" I heard the dead line sound in my ear before I finished. I replaced the phone back on the receiver before carefully leaning over the counter-top. I finally got around to rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I stared at the peeling wallpaper above the finish. This would either be the best thing to ever happen or the worst disaster that would ever occur since the day Dean left.

The sound of the player in the next room was still humming so I went in to turn it off. I sat in front of the mechanism and just placed the vivid memory of Dean standing in the same spot the first night I met him. The reality of my world was starting to dawn back on me as I just crossed my knees inside my elbows on the floor. I missed him and wondered when he was coming back; when he would call or write.

The more hours I waited the less it felt like he would. My fingers played with the carpet as I thought about him more and more. The vexation of him with his wife was sending me through loops and bounds. I didn't know whether to be happy for him knowing that he would be happy where he belonged or that who he belonged with was me. I wanted to be so selfish of him. But I couldn't. It didn't seem like the world was meant for us.

It still haunted me the way Ellen found out and the hatred of that stranger in the Roadhouse. I wasn't welcome there anymore. In fact, it made me re-think where I _was _welcome; where I was really welcome, if they knew me. I sank deeper and deeper knowing that there was nowhere and as much as it stung, I guess I was more prepared for it than I thought I was. Being alone for so long made me accustomed to what I knew I was meant for. What I deserved.

I prided myself on never thinking like that but with everything that happened, I guess I just slipped.

* * *

The meager supply of food that I held in my home forced me to leave the safety of it. And with my brothers coming tonight, I would have to shop for a more than sufficient amount knowing them; especially Gabriel.

I rounded the corner of shelves towards the section labeled 'Candy'. My lack of experience with shopping for such sustenance made me unsure of my brother's taste. I scanned the bags and bars for something to catch my eye but nothing really caught my eye. I stood there with a frustrated expression as a hand came from behind and grabbed an unfamiliar brand from the rack.

"This one's always been a favorite of mine. Try it out partner." The owner of the accent gestured the chocolate to me and my assumptions about who it was were correct. _Benny_ was grinning at me and there wasn't an ounce of me that was happy to see him. I reluctantly took the bar from him and politely nodded as was my nature too. "Novak. Right?"

It was a surprise to me that he remembered who I was. Our last meet was nearly a week ago and I barely felt like a blip in his radar from what I could remember. "Yes. Benjamin Lafitte?" I asked in response and he nodded. His cool casual demeanor felt to intimidating with the way he looked at me.

"So, you live around these parts? I guess that's just my luck eh?" His chuckle was practiced and unnerving but it confused me. "I mean… you know…"

"I'm not sure that I-"

"Listen. I am a serious man Novak. Not many things stand in the way of what I want. I want Dean. I saw you bein' a little sweet on him and that just ain't gonna fly with me," he teased. Maybe it was the defeated way I was feeling but the way he smiled and said those words with the edge of a knife broke me down little by little. "Just my opinion here, but I don't think that cat really fits with you, you catch what I'm saying? I mean, we were golden back at that Roadhouse."

I could feel the heat of anger rising through my face but I kept calm. My fists balled up into fists and they seemed to be my only restraint from doing anything regrettable. "Dean will never choose you." The tone of my voice leaked my resentment.

"Hey now, don't flip your wig! Just here me out, because you know it well as I do. He just doesn't belong with you." The casualness of his voice pushed boundaries I didn't know that I had. "Anyway, I just wanted to tell you to give up. Rang him up and I never heard a man happier."

"Y-you talked to him?" I choked a little through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, says he's coming back up soon as he can." A beat later he glanced at his wristwatch and back to me, "Anyway, I guess I'll have to say my goodbyes. Errands to run." The man winked and strutted down the aisle.

Rage subsided into numbness. There was a hole inside me that was stretching itself further to leave me with nothing. It squeezed my lungs making it hard to breath and I just needed to get out of there. I abandoned my basket on the floor and fled the general store before my emotions caught up with the rest of my body.

It was like a race to get home but the haven I thought I had was now invaded by harsh memories. Everywhere I looked there was Dean. The kitchen, the couch, the bed. I flung open the bathroom door and shut it behind me not bothering to lock it because I knew there was nobody around to care. My back slid down the tiled wall and my watery eyes just watched the shower curtain move from the draft of the door shutting. I bit my lip hard thinking about that shower and tried so hard not to let tears flow. It had been a long time since I had cried. I didn't want to because something inside me was telling me that this was going to happen. I was stupid for thinking that he could have loved me like this. I was fucking crazy.

* * *

I stirred from my sleep hearing the faint noise of knocking from the other room. I scrambled to get up and fixed myself after washing my face. I didn't know how long I had slept and I wasn't prepared for my brothers to come yet. I had forgotten to buy food for them and I suddenly regretted my poor decision. I rushed to the door not caring that my hair was a unkempt and swung open the door.

"Oh… Hello Ellen." I stared at the shorter woman standing on the steps of my home. She wore a concerned look but something else. She had her hands dug into her pockets and I suddenly felt the cold air from the outside.

"Hey Cas. Can I –Can we talk?" there was a softness that she presented that I did not wish to deny. I stepped aside and gestured with a hand inside so I could shut the door. I turned to see her standing in my kitchen with her arms crossed looking about.

"How did you know where I live?" I asked genuinely curious.

"Dean told me awhile back. I was worried about where he was staying when I figured out about his uhm… situation. Said he was staying with you and told me where." She answered politely and directly. She stopped scanning and just looked at me with her mouth open like she was preparing to say something more.

"Ellen if this is about Dean and I, I apolo-"

"No Cas. Look, don't… apologize. You don't have to. I am the one who should be apologizing. I was out of line and it really –it really isn't that big a'deal. I respect whatever it is you and Dean have and…" She paused and took a deep breath. "I just haven't seen him that happy since Sam got into law school. Dean's never been good at relationships. Any kind. And the ones that have worked, he holds onto so tightly that I know he would sell his own soul to save 'em. Cas. What I'm tryin' to say is that you make him so happy and he loves you. And you love him, I can see that. He's like my son and I'll love who he chooses to love too." She said and the sincerity was enough for me. "and I'm glad that it's you Cas. I'm _really_ glad it's you." She smiled.

I was happy that she had come to accept me. It felt good to finally be. But Benny lingered in the back of my head and I couldn't bring myself to tell her about him with that smile she had. "Thank you Ellen. It means a lot." I returned her smile and she just approached me with open arms. We hugged tightly and I wish that I could've been happier in that moment. She stepped away and held my face between her hands like a mother would. "Have you heard from Dean at all?" I asked a little hopefully.

"No, not anything so far. He was supposed to be working things out with Lisa. Well, ending them I guess. _Should _be ending them anyway." She winked and let go of me.

"Oh," I said coming back into myself.

"Something wrong?" She asked but I shook my head. There was a short pause before she started heading back towards the door. "Hey, I'm sure he'll call or somethin' Cas. He will, don't worry." For some reason I wasn't so sure. I crossed my arms over myself. "Well, I have to get back to the Roadhouse. I left Jo in charge and I don't wanna overwhelm her. I'll be seeing you. -And Cas… watch over him would you?" She waved and opened the door to head out. I waved back but didn't move from my place. She was gone and I was left alone to think for myself.

I needed groceries.

* * *

"Cassy!" Gabriel nearly jumped on me when he assaulted me with a hug at the front door. My brother was always the ecstatic type and truthfully it was refreshing as I squeezed back. Over his shoulder I watched a dark-blond haired man slowly approach from behind with a bashful smirk.

"Castiel." Michael nodded with his hands stuck deep inside his pants walking past the spectacle Gabriel was making. Finally he let go of me and I helped him with their suitcases. I set them inside my bedroom and walked back out to find Gabriel messing with the music machine while Michael sat on the sofa with his head propped up by the knuckles of his fingers on the rest.

"I'm sorry I cannot offer you more room. You may take my bed and I'll sleep in here." Michael just smiled and turned attention back to Gabriel's fiddling. The room came alive with the sound of a Rolling Stones record that made me jump. I had forgotten that Dean had introduced me to some new stuff and I forgot to hide them away for Michael especially.

_I see a red door and I want it painted black_

"Please! Gabriel! Turn off that racket." Michael harped from the sofa.

"I dunno Mikey… This is pretty outta sight." Gabriel teased letting the music sway his hips. Michael scoffed before getting up himself to turn it off and removing the record. He gave Gabriel a look before putting on something that he deemed more suitable. Gabriel just chuckled and slapped him on the shoulder before trekking to the kitchen. I didn't feel very comfortable being alone with my other brother so I felt inclined to follow. I watched him rummage through my cupboards before settling on some packaged cookies that he started stuffing into his mouth one after the other. "So Cas. You know Dean Winchester? When does he come back up? Dad wants to us to scout him soon before he goes off somewhere we can't find him." He said with a full mouth.

There were many subjects I wanted to avoid and Dean was at the top of that list. It of course, was inevitable. "I'm not exactly sure. Soon, so I've heard."

"Yeah? Hey, why didn't you call us before that about him? You close to him at all?" He asked between bites.

My throat caught a horribly. "No, not- I mean. Yes we have… talked. I believe we are close acquaintances." I choked out. He looked at me with his head cocked to the side like he knew something was suspicious. In fact, he had the right to be and that's what I feared.

"Okay…" He drew it out and stuffed one last treat into his mouth before tossing the rest in the package on the counter. "Well, maybe you can introduce us to him. It'd be-"

"It would be a great addition to father's studio." Michael interjected when he walked into the kitchen. I didn't even notice the music that was playing from the other room; some singer that had recorded with my father.

"He would I suppose." I said quietly.

"What's wrong Castiel?" He asked me while invading my 'personal space'.

I didn't know how to reply to him. Having Dean sign with our father's company would advance him in his career for sure but I couldn't imagine Dean singing Christian and Gospel music for the rest of his life. His art was a form that I did not want to limit. "Nothing. I was just thinking about Dean."

"What about Dean?" Michael said very curiously. He leaned against the counter with one hand and I could feel his always domineering presence intimidate me.

"I was just wondering –How are you so sure that he would want to sign with Father?" I asked. I watched the two of them looked at each other and shift in unison.

"We took that into consideration. We would… arrange something." Michael said with pleasant smile. I never really understood a lot of what they meant but I didn't see it my place to stand in their way. It was ultimately Dean's decision after all.

"So what is there to do around here?" Gabriel said finally getting uninterested in work related things. He took another cookie from the package he had discarded on the counter.

I thought a moment since I never really left my abode very often. "Well… There is the Roadhouse."

* * *

Notes: :3 I got this one done a lot quicker than I thought I had time for but yeah :) Tell me what you think! Is there any Characters that anyone wants to see just by the way?

Songs:

_Love Me Tender_ by Elvis Presley

_Paint it Black _by The Rolling Stones


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

My face still burned from where her open hand connected with my cheek. Lisa had ended another fight –hopefully our last. I slowly packed the rest of my clothes in the green duffel. Her piercing eyes had left me from the doorframe she leaned against to comfort the cries from the next room. My only regret was leaving Ben. He didn't deserve this.

I stopped a moment hearing Lisa's gentle hushing. The last was already in so I zipped it shut and dragged it into the hallway where I set it against the wall. The sobs turned to repressed breathing. I wanted to be the one comforting Ben but Lisa was in there. He was her son and no matter how much I wanted to, it wasn't in my place. I didn't want to hurt them anymore.

My feet took me to the open door and I watched the sight break me just a little more. Ben's back was turned to me as his mother cradled him against her still lulling him to a sleep that would hold him to the morning. She just looked up from him to stare contempt at me and dammit I felt it. I saw the way she loved him and my eyes searched with my heart; but I couldn't find where I belonged with them. She just kissed Ben's mess of hair and laid him in his bed as he sniffed and lazily wiped his eyes. It had been my job to always tuck him in. I became a self-pronounced pro at it taking care of Sammy and it translated easily to Ben. Before I could even think about stepping inside the room, she shook her head at me softly. It was too late though, Ben turned his head towards me as tears stained his rosy cheeks.

"Dean?" his small voice seemed to fill the room. He reached for me and I wanted so much to take his hand; squeeze it and tell him that everything was going to be fine. "Dean?" he said again so alarmed. I couldn't see him cry again and I couldn't even manage a smile anymore. My lips quivered as I forced one as best I could but it failed me and I just turned and went out the door.

"_Dean!_"

I picked up the duffel and threw it over my shoulder as I wiped the tears that streamed down my face.

* * *

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise_

I let the music ease me back into my seat as I watched the road stretch out before me. Soon I'd be back in Cas' arms and everything would be alright again. It's what I kept telling myself and it seemed to work for the most part. My hands started drumming to the beat and it was eventually what was keeping me awake. The trauma affected me more than I thought it would as the heat blew in my face, threatening to close my eyes.

I sang along with it and forced myself to attention at least. The road sign for Nebraska peered down the straight away. _Finally, _I thought. A few more hours and I'd be with him. The thought of Cas felt like home to me and I knew I didn't belong with Lisa or Ben. I belonged with him.

The road took its toll on me so I pulled into a gas station where a young attendant briskly walked to the side of the Impala. He knocked on the window but I just got out stretching my legs in the colder air.

"Fill 'er up." I said reaching upward as I stepped out. The young man did as he was told and started pumping.

I scanned down the road of the desolate landscape daydreaming a bit from my drowsiness. "You're that Dean Winchester right?" His excited voice nearly startled me as span on my heel to get a good look at him. He didn't seem very familiar but something caught my eye immediately. The kid's hair was in some ridiculous cut that made me stare a bit longer than I intended too.

"Yeah," I replied blinking the exhaustion from my eyes. "Uhm uh- how did you know that?"

"I saw you play up at Harvelle's Roadhouse. You're really good man! I've never seen anyone that good at Ellen's." The strange kid had my interest and I did feel genuinely flattered by his compliment.

"Thank you. Yeah, I uh- well… I try" my chuckle subsided with the memory of the roadhouse coming back to me. I hadn't talked to Ellen since the incident and I knew that I had to just deal with it. The woman was the most I've ever had as far as a mother goes since mine passed away. It hurt knowing that she could be removed from my life like that. I didn't want it to end like that and somewhere between coming and going from Lisa, I decided that I would at least talk to her again.

"Yeah, Jo talks about you a lot too. I… she- aha, I think she might like you…'er somethin'." The kid nervously scratched the back of his head that wore the proud mullet with a reluctant smile plastered to his face. I started to take him in a little more and I started to notice some of his features being more familiar to me than before. If I had seen him once, it was during that night I performed when Benny was there. The crowd was larger but I definitely could remember that hair among them.

And, I could tell that he was sweet on little Jo. "Nah, she's a bit too young for me- uhh?"

"Ash! It's Ash." His polite-cocky attitude returned and he just smiled to himself this time.

"Ash…" I repeated the name with a smile, letting it roll in my mouth. "Hey, can I ask about thee uh- do?" I gestured to his head.

A smile lit his face up quickly as he snuck his fingers through his hair with pride. "It's like business in the front, party in the back man!" He nodded my way and I could only give him a smirk. "You know David Bowie right?" The name wasn't that familiar but I knew of the British singer vaguely. "Come on! Really?! Awe, well you gotta listen to him. He's absolutely incredible!"

The excitement in him put me in a better mood at least. The pump clicked and he set the nozzle on its holder before turning back to me and shoving his hands in his pockets to retreat the cold. "That's 7 bucks…" He said as I dug through my wallet. I reached over the top and handed him a ten as he stretched out for it. "So, you playin' again soon? I wanna come up and see you again. You know, before you're famous and what not." He chuckled and I tried to as best I could.

Truthfully, it made me a little sad. I wondered if I really was going to play at Ellen's again. "I dunno. I guess we'll have to see… Well you take care Ash." I gave the kid another smile before I hopped in and took off down the road. He disappeared in my mirror and I just let out a sigh nearly stepping on the gas to racing speeds. I felt so desperate to get back to Cas. I just wanted to get out of here, leave this place and go somewhere new. Better.

I had news to tell him and something that might solve our problems once and for all.

* * *

The purr of the engine died when I turned the key out of the ignition. I got out, stretching my sore muscles from the drive. The sight of the small house was one that put a small smile on my lips. The hollow feeling in my chest seemed to be filling more and more as I approached the steps. I knocked on the door and waited to hear the rustling of the man's stumbling. He could just see Cas scrambling to the door for him.

I waited a few seconds but nothing, so I knocked again. There was no answer to the door or a reassuring shout from the inside. I looked back and saw Cas' car parked dead in his driveway and turned back to the door. "Cas?!" I shouted as I knocked again. He wasn't home.

_Where was he? _I thought. My feet made me pace on the front porch as I looked off racking my mind for places he would go. The only place was the Roadhouse and it didn't strike me as a place to go anymore. Of course, I'd been gone for a few weeks and things could change. Or maybe he just found a new place.

My body sighed as my hand slid down the surface of the door. Before I decided to go searching for him, I mindlessly turned the door handle and was surprised to find that it just opened. Cas had left it unlocked and as unsafe as I thought that was, I was a little grateful. My plans switched from looking for him to waiting for him as I entered the familiar home.

It smelled just like I remembered it to be but as I got further into the kitchen, it changed to an odd sweet smell. It was like Cas' scent had been concentrated with the smell of candy on the side. I didn't exactly know what to make of it other than a picture of Cas binging on cookies and things after I had left. It made me smile actually.

I half expected him to crawl from the bathroom or his bedroom; but he didn't, so I took my place on the sofa. I judged what it would be like when he would come home and just see me on in his home again. It made me daydreamed for a while until my eyelids became heavier. The cushions were just like I remembered and I relaxed so far into them. Breathing in Cas' scent and being here, it just felt right.

I didn't even remember falling asleep when I was awakened by the sound of the door and a few loud voices coming in. My eyes adjusted a little from the short nap but I soon locked eyes with a rather short guy that looked back at me with a bit of horror on his face.

"Cassy, I think you're being robbed…" He said a bit panicked through a small slur of words.

I sat up immediately and stood putting my hands out in safety. My heart was beating a little faster as I tried to ease the stranger with my extended arms. "I- I'm not-"

"Dean?" I heard his voice from behind the other two bodies and an excited relief swept over me. I could have jumped at him but the others were standing there. His blue eyes came into view and I was expecting something a little more… happier. They were wide in disbelief and something else; a curiosity that started to haunt me.

"Cas… Hey." I said casually glancing at the man who accused me of robbing the place.

"Wa- wah- woah, woah. Wait… This is- this is Dean? Winchester?" The man said clearly drunk as he lazily pointed at me. I watched a smile appear as he teetered towards me. His pointed finger collided with my shoulder as he nearly fell over before I caught him by his elbows. "Uh- sorry. I shou- should… get to bed. I wanna talk to you though. I will. In the morning mmk?" He stood, reeking with alcohol and was taken by the other stranger to Cas' bedroom where I was left alone with the man I came to see.

"Cas…" I said happier trying to catch a smile from him this time. He just sort of stared at me until his gaze dropped to the floor and searched away.

"Dean. I wasn't expecting you tonight." He said shyly and so softly in made my insides churn.

"Sorry, I meant to call, you know. But, things sort of got out of hand. With Lisa and everything. I just…" I trailed off as my hand came up to scratch nervously at the back of my head. I wasn't really sure what to say to him. I just wanted to know what was wrong.

"It is fine. I apologize for the uh- company. My brothers have come to visit me. I would have told you but…" I saw the way he attempted a smile but he wouldn't look at me.

"No no, it's fine Cas." I felt guilt slipping into my chest. This was so wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I imagined coming through the door with the man jumping into my arms. Some disgustingly happy-go-lucky memory we would have but…

"Dean Winchester." The other man that was sober chimed in from the door frame. I turned to see the light-haired man approach me with his hand forward. "Michael Novak."

I politely returned the hand shake to his brother and pressed grin. "Good to meet ya. Finally meeting Cas's brothers. My pleasure." I said with charm.

"The pleasures all mine." He said with a firm grip that was too professional for my liking. "Cas has told me much about you. And I can say Dean, very impressed." He let go and hid his hands into his pockets.

"Yeah well, I'm pretty impressive." I joked as the man laughed. Looking over to Cas could have been a mistake as I watched him turn back into the kitchen. It was clear that I upset him and that guilt feeling was starting to really hurt.

"So, listen Dean, I wanted to talk to you about your music. And of course, your career. But I apologize that it's a little late and I'd love to talk about this in the morning if you would?"

"Yeah, I could do that. Definitely." I said searching for a little sense of the conversation. I remember Cas mentioning to me about his family business but he never talked about it much since that time. It didn't help that my thoughts were occupied by Cas in the kitchen either but Michael just nodded off and disappeared after the third brother as he issued a 'goodnight'.

I waved and sauntered into the lit kitchen to find Cas bent over the sink with his arms crossed on the countertop. "Cas?" I asked. His head turned my way without completely looking at me. A sigh left me as the air between us seemed to tense.

"You didn't call. Why- why didn't you call? You didn't even write… like you said." He said after a while of silence.

"Look, Cas. It crossed my mind, but I got a little too caught up with Lisa. That's why it was a little hard to let you know I was coming." I explained trying to get closer to Cas without upsetting him.

"Coming?" he repeated, "I already knew you were coming Dean. I was well informed of that."

* * *

Notes: Okay, yeah sorry. the wait I know... Don't worry, the month of February is pretty stressful for me at this particular moment but I'll update sooner, later.

Songs:

_Black Bird_ by The Beatles


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I tried to suppress that anger but it just welled up. Seeing Dean so unexpectedly made me lose control of it and I tried hard not to let it break me. Not again. I kept my gaze out the dark window clutching the rim of the sink now.

"Cas, what are you talking about?" he asked from behind me. His voice was so much closer and I dared not to let myself look at him.

My thoughts swirled around me like a helpless haze. That heat inside my face started to fall and turn to that disgusting desperation I felt the day I met with Benny in the grocery store. My chest heaved for a moment in front of me, protected from Dean's view by the tan trench coat. I didn't want him to see me like this.

"Cas?" I heard him say. My eyes betrayed me as they looked him directly and his were flushed with worry.

"Nothing, I was just told that you were coming. I would have liked to have heard it from you though…" I said quietly not wanting to risk my voice breaking in front of him.

It was curious how long it took him to respond to me for a moment. Of course he would put the two together and figure this out, but his silence choked the breath out of me. He leaned against the sink still looking at me as he clasped his hands together. "Who told you that I was coming?" He asked. It was that undertone of fear in his voice that made my heart clench.

"I ran into Benjam –Benny… while I was out collecting groceries for my brothers' coming." I said so slowly trying to calm myself down. I averted my gaze again not able to see his reaction. "He informed me that he had talked to you over telephone, and said that you were coming back soon." It was impossible to disguise the sadness I was feeling; the betrayal.

I could see the way his hand rubbed against his jaw from my peripheral vision. His pacing was the worst of it as I watched him cross the floor of the kitchen a few times before standing away from me. I looked up to see his back and the way his head turned halfway over his shoulder. He took a deep breath before saying anything. "I'm… really sorry Cas. I didn't mean to-" he sighed before turning completely to me, "I didn't know you wanted to-… You and your brothers, I didn't think… I-"

I watched him struggle for words and it just cut me deeper and deeper. "You what Dean? Didn't want to explain Benny to me?" I heard myself say.

"God, Cas… I'm so sorry." He sounded so sincere, so heartbroken. His hands gripped my shoulders but I didn't look up to him. "But… what Benny is offering, it's a lot. It's one of the best things to happen to me since… you."

I felt appalled by this. I couldn't even get my head around what Dean was saying to me. I wanted to push him away, run away from him and fall into the cold earth beneath me. "Am I not enough?" I asked staring at the ground.

"No_nononono_ Cas, you are. But don't you understand? Come with me. We can do this together, we'll be happy, -away from this hell hole dammit!" He nearly shook me but his words were making absolutely no sense anymore. I didn't understand what he was talking about but Benny was the only image in my head.

"Wh-what are you saying?" I shook my head as I peered up into his eyes now. He paused for a second while I watched him blink.

"Cas, I'm sorry, but I don't want to work for your family." He said staring at me.

"What." It was my turn to blink in complete confusion.

His expression turned perplexed as he let go of me. "Look, Benny is a representative of the Grand Ole Opry. Don't you understand? This is a once in a life time opportunity. He wants to sign me with other industries in Tennessee too. He has connections everywhere Cas, don't you get it? I know that you mean well… but I just… Can't do what your family wants me to do…"

I could feel bile coming up through my stomach. I had never felt more embarrassed in my life as I connected the events together. My head was spinning and I could feel myself pulling towards unconsciousness as I wiped stray tears that were still in my eyes.

But the relief. My arms were dancing in mid-air until they wrapped around Dean's body so tightly I could feel the air inside of him escape through his mouth. I could tell he was surprised as he hesitated to reciprocate my hug for a few seconds. "Hey, I'll talk to your brother in the morning still if that makes you feel better, alright?" I felt him vibrate against my chest. I just nodded into him as I let tears cascade onto his shirt. But they were happy. Finally happy.

* * *

Explaining the events to Dean was the most complex and embarrassing thing I had ever done. My emotions were a result from years of a loneliness that I didn't understand until I had him. And when he just smiled and kissed me, I wondered how I could even deserve a thing like him.

My happiness could have gotten the best of me though as I couldn't stop myself from consuming him with every inch of love I had missed him with. I pulled him into a strong embrace as we nearly twirled into the living room, right back on the sofa; the sofa where we had said goodbye those weeks ago. I had somehow ended up beneath him as I cupped his face tightly against mine. His stubble rubbed warm against my own as we wrestled even closer.

"Dean…" I gasped as his teeth nibbled down my jawline to my neck. I didn't think I could miss something like this so much. My body was arching upward off the cushion as he touched me tenderly. I didn't think we were that loud until I hear the sound of my bedroom door creak open.

Dean flew off of me like I was burning to the touch before a sleepy distraught-looking Gabriel sauntered out into the room. Neither Dean nor I moved an inch as my brother barely even glanced at us. My shirt was halfway up my torso as I lay sprawled over the sofa, still dazed by my lover's kisses. Dean stood away from me trying to look as nonchalant as possible with his arms behind his back, knowing they have sinned. Gabriel just wandered into the bathroom.

I pulled down the fabric back over my skin as my heart settled back in my chest from over beating. Dean paced to the window as Gabriel slipped back from the bathroom and wandered lazily to me.

"Night Cassy…" I stood as he wrapped his arms loosely around me. The stench of alcohol was still strong on him and I craned my head away from him. Dean looked at me from across the room, wide eyed and shrugging.

"Goodnight Gabriel." I whispered as I patted his back quite awkwardly. He pulled away and saw Dean standing there. I watched as my brother leaned in mid-air like he was about to fall and then back again. His teetering had me worried as he just stared at Dean.

"Night Dean." Gabriel's smile was still drunk as he took himself back into my bedroom. I watched Dean awkwardly wave after him even though he didn't look. As the door closed behind him, I felt myself ease back as I exhaled my shallow breaths.

"Maybe…we should cut down on that –While your brothers are here at least." He walked toward me with a quiet voice.

"Yes, I agree." My eyes searched the dimly lit room as I thought for a moment. I felt Dean take my hand though.

"What's wrong?" he asked with concern in his eyes.

There was a lot of worry that I had been harboring for the last few days. It was always worse when my brothers were with me. The anxiety seemed to be at its peak when Dean was put into the mix. I felt heavy with it and it was building. "Dean, I don't think that I am ready. I am not ready for my brothers to know. My family… they will scorn and reject me if they found out."

"Cas you don't have to tell them. No one needs to know. At least not until you're ready." He said placing his hands on my shoulders.

"I know but… what if they were to just happen to find out? Ellen knows. That man from the Roadhouse…" I trailed off.

"Look, we don't have to go out while they're here." He paused and took his hands from me. I looked up to his curious expression. "By the way, where were you guys tonight?"

"The Roadhouse. I felt that it was safe to take them there. Ellen… She came to the house before Gabriel and Michael arrived. She uhm… Apologized. We made amends and we are on better terms Dean. She loves you and just wants us to be happy." I watched him scan my face and on the inside, I knew he was lit up with joy. It was amazing how even when his face seemed vacant, I could tell how even the smallest features gave away his true demeanor of happiness.

"Well, that- that's aha… that's great." He turned from me and I could see his body tense up.

"Dean, are you alright?" I saw the curve of smile in his lips as he turned his head slightly to nod at me. There was something very charming about the man. The fact that something small like Ellen's approval could bring him to near tears. But then again, acceptance was everything to people like Dean and I.

When he turned back to me, I could see the redness in his eyes but I saw the grin on his lips. "I think. I need to go to bed Cas." He said lowly and paced a bit more. I gathered some blankets for him as he fell into the cushions of the sofa. It seemed like a chain reaction with the contact of the sofa as he immediately started to snore. I still had the sheets in my arms as I watched his peaceful expression. Dean's day must have been so long and tiring; especially what I could imagine he went through. I unfolded the blankets and spread them over his body.

"Goodnight… Dean Winchester." I kissed his forehead before spreading some blankets on the floor for myself.

* * *

Surrounded by warmth in a world of darkness.

I could feel my consciousness coming back as I idled behind my eyelids. The scent of the room filled my senses as I lingered on my dreams. Everything was right and the peace that came with the morning was such bliss. It had calmed my body as the warmth cradled me against the threat of stirring from my rest.

It traveled throughout my back and around my arms, pulling me in like strong hands. The subtle breeze went with my breath as it rose and fell with my chest. The beating of a heart so close and next to mine.

...

My eyes shot open as I glanced down at a hand holding tight on mine. There was a body curled into me softly snoring in my ear. I could feel the fear in my chest rise as I glanced up at the door to my bedroom. It was still closed at least.

"Dean… Dean!" I whispered to the man who was wrapped up in me. I propped myself up on my forearm as his arms tried to pull me back down to him. He mumbled something inaudible but I couldn't quite make out what he was trying to say. "Dean, we have to get up. Before my brothers-"

"Few more minutes…" he breathed with his eyes still closed. Dean obviously didn't realize the situation we were in. God forbid that Gabriel or Michael came out to use the bathroom during the night while he was sleeping around me like this.

"No Dean, we have to…" I struggled to untangle myself from him which eventually proved successful. I sat up from the blankets, ashamed to be so out of breath. Dean just rolled back over as he buried himself deep into the sheets.

I prayed that my brothers were still asleep as the anxiety was still pounding against my ribcage. He must have rolled off of the sofa in the night and wrapped himself around me. No matter how much it made me blush, it didn't replace the fear. The draft in the room cooled my face and chilled my skin as I shivered, plucking me out of my daydreams.

The bathroom tiled floor was cold as I padded to the sink. The water's warm contrast rinsed over my face and let me wash away some of the distress. Dean was still sleeping in the other room and breakfast seemed appealing to get my mind off things for the moment. As I made my way to the refrigerator, I could hear the door of my room open. I didn't glance back over my shoulder to see which brother would join me at the counter, but it eased me to know it was Gabriel as he shuffled through the cupboard for _his _breakfast.

"You should really be eating a nutritious meal to start your day Gabriel. I am surprised that your blood sugar remains normal as it is." I prodded him while he stuffed the sweet biscuits into his mouth.

"Please. With father sending us everywhere like this, I'm burning it faster than Wilma Rudolph can run." The rasp of his morning voice cut through his full mouth. It made me chuckle as I placed the bread inside the toaster slots. "Ugh, my head…" he set the bag of snacks down and cradled his face for a moment.

I reached into the freezer and fished out the ice out of the trays and into an unused dishtowel. He was grateful as I placed it on his head. "You should learn how to limit yourself." I said as he took the ice from me.

"That's not a party Cassy…" he joked but winced as he started to laugh.

"Sounds like you're having a lot of fun now…" I teased as I poured him a glass of water with Alka-Seltzer in it. "Drink this."

He emptied the glass into his mouth in seconds. "Is that Dean on your floor in there?" He said pointing over his shoulder with the glass. I nodded as the toast popped out of the slots. "Huh…" He said and I could hear the contemplation in his voice.

"What."

"Nothing nothing… heh, I just wish that I could've made better impression than last night."

I smiled down as I spread the butter over the toast. "You know what Gabe, I don't really know if Dean is really looking for what Michael has to offer though."

"What?"

"I said, I don't-"

"No… you called me Gabe." I looked over at him. His fingers jumped against the glass as he looked at me curiously. "You've _never_ called me Gabe. I mean come on Castiel. You take us to a bar? You're not completely socially creepy… and nicknames?" He sounded so accusing but I could only shrug and smile away from him.

I dug out a pan and coated it before setting it on the stovetop. Gabriel seemed to go silent as I cracked a few eggs into the pan, letting them sizzle until they were cooked. They slid off the metal easily and onto two plates. One for me and one for…

"Do you love him?"

The blood drained from my face so quickly I thought I would faint. I let the pan slide out of my fingers and into the sink with a loud clank. "wh- what are you talking-"

"I had to…use the toilet –a few times... I didn't exactly notice at first, but after I got my head out of the bowl for a few minutes to get some water, I saw the way you too were. At first I didn't think much of it other than Dean was just a big softy under his macho exterior. I thought he just liked to cuddle or something…" Gabriel set the ice down on the counter. "But then I started to think. You've changed Castiel. You're- you seem… Free. And Dean? Don't think I didn't notice the way you shy away at his name like he's some kind of secret. –Well I guess… aha. I mean for Pete's sake! When he saw you, he called you Cas! And I remember that very distinctly which I'm quite proud of by the way."

"Gabriel…" I searched for the words inside my head. I couldn't believe what was even happening. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him as I stared through the window above the sink.

"No, answer me." He said very gently this time. "Do you love him?"

"Yes," I replied, "Gabriel I love him and they were wrong. They were wrong about all of that. Our whole lives, they have told us that it was wrong and disgusting, but it does not _feel _disgusting. It does not _feel _wrong. How can it be? Do you understand what growing up like this does? I have been cut off. Silently and from everyone. And Dean… He was a single soul in the isolation that my own family had left me with. Because of Dean, I know what love even means. I love him more than I thought was possible. Because I've never been allowed to…" I hung my head above the sink trying not to let my emotions escape from my chest. "But here I go, I love him Gabriel. Father told us that when knew we were in love, we would feel complete. That that empty feeling is just a space in our soul for the other's to fit. Well… Dean fits. He means everything to me…" My voice fell low and quiet before it could break under the pressure of my sobs.

My brother didn't say a word. But I felt so good. Because I wasn't ashamed.

I turned to him and to my surprise; Dean stood on the furthest end of the counter looking at me with tired eyes and satisfied expression. I watched his emerald green eyes shimmer at me.

"Cas…" he said completely ignoring Gabriel who was still in the room.

"Dean I-" What was I supposed to say? I had no more words but the way he looked at me made my legs tremble. The silence pierced the room between the three of us until Gabriel moved. My brother laid his hand on my shoulder and gave a willful smile before turning out of the room.

* * *

Notes: Sorry, about the wait. I feel like I went through leaps and bounds to get this out of me for the longest time. Tell me your thoughts on characters and let me know if you want anyone you want to see in the story. Just some fun for me ;)


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"Cas" I repeated watching the man in front of me crumble. He was fragile looking with eyes wide and body shrunk. As his brother left us alone, I felt myself drawn to him, instinctively holding him in my arms. His body was silent and without shuddering. Whatever he was thinking now eluded me.

"You heard all that." Cas said plainly. He didn't wrap his arms around me but just reciprocated by letting me hold him.

"Yeah… I heard a loud noise from in here. I thought something had happened. Well, something did but…" I trailed off feeling his breathing ease as we parted from each other once again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- Cas, I shouldn't have done that. I knew you weren't ready for all this but I just… I wasn't thinking, I was tired and-"

"Dean it's fine. I think it is better now that Gabriel knows. Of course, Gabriel is Gabriel…" His voice grumbled hoarsely and I caught the way his lips turned up so slightly into a smile. "Maybe I should be the one apologizing. I'm sorry, I should have warned you about my brothers at least. Or I should have at least told my brothers no but Michael can be abrasive and straightforward in his work-"

"Cas"

"-and I'm sorry I got you caught up in all of this, I didn't mean for thi-"

"_Cas."_ I interjected again. He stopped to blink at me and I couldn't resist cupping my hands around that scruff on his jaw. "I love you. Now stop apologizing." I kissed him hard, letting my lips collide with his until I could taste him. I could never compare anything to kissing Cas. Not anyone or anything, because nothing felt this good or this right. I let my thumb glide across his chin until I heard the door from the bedroom open from the living area.

I let go of him and leaned against the counter casually as the other sleepy Novak brother entered the kitchen. Upon seeing me he straightened himself a little more and tried to subtly fix his bedhead even though I noticed.

"Dean! You stayed the night?" The man said with a smile that made me all sorts of uncomfortable.

"Yeah, Cas is a good buddy of mine. He lets me crash while I'm here so…"

"Good good. My brother: always the helpful hand." I watched as he took one of the plates behind Cas and start eating. He watched Michael carefully but turned and took the other plate of food and reached it toward me.

"I'll make another for myself, don't worry." He said before I could decline.

Michael pulled me into the other room where Gabriel was lounging on the sofa where I had slept for a fraction of the night. He shifted to let his brother sit but I opted for the recliner away from the two for comfort.

"So Dean, I know it's a bit early, but I do want to discuss a potential opportunity. I believe you know what I am talking about knowing Castiel and all," I nodded my head forcing a mouthful of toast to prevent saying anything, "Yes, well, I would like to hear you sing if that is no trouble. My father's industry has heard well from you and is willing to offer quite a deal."

I shifted in my seat as I swallowed. Though I was set on refusing the offer, I felt too obligated to listen to what he had to say. "Like what?"

"Let's just say, you won't be needing to 'crash' in places for very much longer. We are prepared to sign you with quite a sum of wealth after we hear you sing. But that's just a pre-requisite of sorts."

Of course, I could get that with Benny too right? Sign with people like him in Tennessee. Something inside didn't let me inform Michael of his competitors. Nothing he could offer me could compare to The Grand Ole Opry.

"You should play tonight at that bar…" Gabriel chimed in getting up and then quickly sitting back down holding his forehead.

"Oh. Yeah I could do that…" I remembered that Cas had told me about Ellen's apology and it had me a bit excited as well as nervous. Frankly, I missed her and it was just another thing that lifted the heaviness that had been surrounding me lately.

"Perfect. I look forward to watching you." He said with a well-trained smile that could only be motivated by selfish intentions.

The meal on my plate disappeared quickly letting me excuse myself from Cas' brother's company. I found him in the kitchen still preparing his own food with a nervous pep-in-his-step. "You okay?"

He made grumbled noise with his throat without looking at me. "Yeah, what did Michael say?"

"Just an offer and that I need to play for him. I'll call Ellen later."

"She really loves you Dean. She'll be so excited to hear you again you know." He said finally turning to me and leaning against the edge of the counter.

"I know. It's not really her though, it's everyone else Cas. This is a small town; how long do you think it'll take until word gets around… I just don't want you getting hurt." My hand fell against his shoulder.

"Dean, I've survived off of hurt. Anything further is just annoyance."

* * *

The smell was all too familiar to me as I entered the smoky room filled with the dull roar of bar hoppers. I stepped in behind Cas who immediately seemed to move away to greet a face that I had missed too much. Ellen wrapped her arms around my shoulders as I approached much slower. I thought as if everything should be different, that there would still be façade surrounding this place with a stigma that had been left permanently. But the smiling woman let the most welcoming feeling come over me like I was back from a long trip.

"I'm so happy you're back, Dean." She squeezed tighter around me before letting go. I was about to say something back but another figure caught my eye as they walked up slowly behind Ellen.

"Bobby…" I looked at him in awe. The man hadn't changed a day since I had seen him last other than a few added wrinkles and a little something else that twinkled in his eye. He just stopped before us so Ellen could let go of me.

Of course it was intimidating. I didn't know what Bobby thought of me; the father I never had and the man who was there when I needed someone most. He looked down at me with a wall of intensity that I couldn't see through. "Dean." He said with the commandeering voice he had as he nodded his head. His hands flew open, arms out wide.

I couldn't contain my smile as I nearly threw myself at the old man, nearly knocking off his hat. It wasn't a big thing, but it felt big to me; just his approval was enough. "H-Hey Bobby, how's it been?" I asked trying to recollect myself. "How're you and –uhm?" I didn't exactly now how to control myself from the spurts of happiness that came through but Bobby just laughed it off as he patted my shoulder.

"S'been good Dean. Really good… I'd ask you the same but I think I got just about what I can handle. Got an earful from Ellen. Trust me." He winked and looked off to the side and I followed his gaze. I watched as Cas sat next to his brothers at the bar talking to a stranger on his other side. Bobby kept his eyes on the man as he scratched his beard but looked around the Roadhouse for a second before looking back at me with a smile.

Bobby had sat me down at one of the tables and it was there that I listened to his hunting stories with his buddy Rufus and rants about his boss who was apparently an absolute dick. Cas still seemed to be a subject too early to be discussed yet. I didn't blame him though, so I let him wrap his head around it for a while if he ever wanted to talk about him. But, when his name _was_ mentioned… Bobby just smiled.

He started talking about retirement when I noticed he kept glancing around. I'd known the man my whole life and we knew each other's tells like a deck of cards. His fingers tapped against his cold draft before he finally leaned closer to me.

"There's something that you should know Dean…" He whispered low like a secret. "Uhm…"

"Bobby, if it's about Ellen, I already know that you and her are-"

"No you Idjit! It's not about Ellen… It's about…" He put his hand on his mouth like he was searching for the right words to say. My heart started to race like there was something wrong.

My eyes beat him to the answer though. They were fixed on the tall man wandering from the bathroom. The man who locked gazes with me and who thought that shouting my name happily with a wave from across the room was completely okay. That bitch.

I was out of my seat in a second after my jaw snapped shut. My legs took me to him faster than I thought I was capable of going as I threw my arms around my brother and pulled him against me. I admit that I was never a hugging sort of person, but the sight of Sam right here in front of me in the weirdest of situations nearly sent me into a frenzy.

"Sammy…" I gasped over his shoulder like I was afraid he would slip away from me again. I didn't care who gawked at me because this was my brother, and I hadn't seen in him in so long. Too long. When I finally let go of him, his old nostalgic laughter shook his body as he smiled down at me with those big eyes. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"I'm on a… a break Dean. Just thought I'd come down here and surprise you. And Ellen and Bobby… Man, I heard about all this publicity! Dean that's great!" His big hands were clasped onto my shoulders and I felt a little more at peace with him here.

The atmosphere felt like time had slowed when Sam and I sat down to talk. I leaned forward on my barstool over a beer as we talked about his life at school. I was completely entranced and unaware of my surroundings until I felt Ellen nudge me and say that I had a few minutes until I should start playing so the crowd wouldn't mob.

"So, you're not with Lisa anymore?" Sam said bringing me back. "I uh- tried to call you know. I wasn't _planning _on this to be a surprise. I didn't know that you were-"

"Yeah it's… Yeah. We just couldn't deal with all this anymore. She wanted me home and I just wasn't. Leave it at that." I said feeling the thoughts creep in again. It wasn't so much leaving Lisa as it was Ben. The kid didn't deserve that.

"Okay, but I'm just saying Dean, it's alright. It's your music-"

"I said drop it." I didn't want to go any further.

Sam sat quietly but I could feel that damn stare he used on me when we were kids when he basically manipulated me every which way. Thankfully he respected me enough to actually let it go though. Maybe it was the beer that was getting me all excited but I felt a little regret for snapping at him.

"Mr. Fizzles senses a little ten-sion." I heard a high pitched voice sound from behind me. I turned to face a sock puppet almost pressed against my face.

"What the-"

"Sounds like someone might have a little drinking problem." The sock's makeshift-mouth moved with the ear piercing voice. I followed the arm that was shoved up into the contraption to a scrawny man with an expectant look on his face.

"Dean. This is my… friend… Garth. He came with me from school. He's my uhm- roommate." Sam said apologetically.

"Huh… I thought you would be taller." Garth said in his normal voice.

I couldn't really believe what I was looking at but it gave me a strong feeling of confliction. I didn't know if I wanted to punch his teeth out or run away. Either way, we stood there for a good awkward few seconds before I just left to the stage.

I could feel someone trail behind me as I made my way through the crowd and before I made it out, a gentle hand spun me around. Cas stood there and just sort of smiled with his hand resting on my shoulder. Of course we couldn't do this here and Cas knew that but… I kind of wanted to. He had a way of making me feel like this.

"Dean. Uhm… Break a leg. And don't worry about my-"

"Cas. Look. I know what I want. And it's not gonna be with them okay? I'll just put on a show, alright?" I leaned in closer to him placing my hand on his shoulder too, "For you." I whispered into his ear.

People were too preoccupied with themselves in the crowd to notice if anything was different about our exchange but that was probably because they were also all drunk. One of the members of the mass of people bumped right into me.

"Woah woah… man. Sorry 'bout that. Wait. Dean Winchester?" I looked at the smaller man for a second and realized that it was the kid who worked at the gas station. And he was completely blitzed.

"Hey, uh-"

"Ash. Remember I was- The uhm… gas guy." He erupted into roaring laughter leaning on my shoulder for support. Cas looked at him and I could read his expression as humored but he eventually pulled away with a look back to me over his shoulder. "You playing tonight?!" Ash brought me back to earth as he stood straight.

"Yeah. I am. Right now actually." I said trying to get around him. He sort of slurred something while mumbling but I couldn't really catch it. I could only smile and nod before stepping up on the stage platform.

My guitar case was waiting for me next to the stool. I pulled the instrument out and placed it on my lap and the room seemed to shush itself as I got myself ready. It felt a little bit like home again as I looked out at the crowd.

"How's everybo-" I paused a moment because the mic in front of me didn't echo my sound. I played with it a little but it didn't really work until I saw Ash from the crowd yell.

"I got this! Everyone! I got this!" He wandered around to the speaker that the mic was plugged into and bent behind it. Another second later he was stumbling back to his seat throwing a thumbs up to me.

"Hello?" I said testing the sound. It was working perfectly fine now so I gave the man a little wave of appreciation. "So, I guess I'll try that again. How's everybody tonight?!" The building nearly shook with shouts and applause. Even though there were a lot of people, it wasn't as full as the last time I was here but I guess I sort of expected that. "Well I'm happy to be back. I guess I'll start out with a song we all hopefully know. Get this started…"

I started strumming fast and the cheers came again under the sound of my guitar.

_Well, I quit my job down at the car wash,_

_Left my mama a goodbye note,_

_By sundown I'd left Kingston,_

_With my guitar under my coat…_

It even amazed me that I could remember these songs with such a lack of time to rehearse them. But muscle memory was in my favor as I savored the way my fingers glided across the strings without messing anything up. And it was fast; so fast.

_Nobody wanted to hire a guitar man._

The crowd erupted every time I finished a verse and I couldn't really help myself from getting caught up into all of it. Despite everything that had been going on recently, this is where I knew I was alive. On stage. There were lights from the stage but I could see a certain face looking back at me with a smile under a light over the bar. Cas sat on his barstool next to his brothers who were also fixated on the performance.

_With a swingin' little gui-_

My heart nearly stopped and a choke sound left my body as the piercing sound of one of the strings on my instrument broke and curled. I could hear people in the crowd talking but it wasn't them that had my attention. Behind Cas I saw an unforgettable pair of eyes staring back at me a few seats away from him. His expression was emotionless as the color of his sulfur-yellow eyes darted to the man I loved and then back at me. I knew very well what he could be thinking.

I watched the way he sipped on his glass still un-breaking his gaze at me. There was a hand on my arm and there was Ellen coaxing me back.

"Hey, Dean-honey. It's alright we'll get that fixed right up." She said grabbing the guitar from me. I watched her do it but I just couldn't distinguish what was happening around me until I looked back and the man was gone from his seat. Was I seeing right?

"S-sorry about that everyone. Just uhm… technical difficulties. Aha, you know." I tried not to sound nervous as I grabbed the guitar from Ellen before walking off the stage. It seemed like the atmosphere came back to normal but the unsettling feeling inside of me was still there. I walked right up to Cas to see if he was alright.

"Dean, don't worry about it, happens to everyone." Gabriel said as I walked up to the group. It looked like he was well on his way from being buzzed already.

Cas looked at me though and the way his eyes changed meant that he knew something was wrong. "What's going on?" he asked me but I could only shake my head in the presence of his brother Michael who didn't seem to realize anything was actually wrong.

"I just need some new strings. They're in the impala, wanna come help me?" I asked and he nodded as we both left, weaving our way through the crowd. I kept looking but I couldn't see that yellow-eyed man anywhere among them.

The air outside was cold enough to see my own breath. I clambered down the steps with Cas as I popped the trunk to the car. "Dean, are you alright?" he asked leaning against the black exterior.

I looked at him a while trying to let myself relax, digging for the strings. "No. I just- remember the day I left Cas? There was that guy. He told Ellen. And I think I saw the man who found us. He's in the Roadhouse-"

"Hey, Dean! You okay?" Sam came stomping down the steps towards us and I could see him look at Cas. "Oh… uhm…" He said to him.

Cas didn't look uncomfortable but he just extended his hand to my brother politely like nothing was wrong. "Hello, I'm Castiel Novak."

"Hello. I'm Sam Winchester, Dean's brother."

I could feel my chest prick with nerves as I watched the two most important people in my life meet each other for the first time. "Sam! Dean's told me a lot about you! It's wonderful to finally meet you." Cas said very professionally but also sincere.

"I'm sorry, and you…"

"Oh, I'm a- a friend. Of Dean's." Cas smiled shoving his hand back in his trench coat pockets.

"Oh, okay. I'm sorry I just haven't heard a lot. Well, I haven't heard a lot from Dean either so…" He chuckled indicating towards me. I wish that could have expelled some of the heaviness that was linked back inside.

The moment shattered as a scream sounded inside the Roadhouse. Sam's friend with the sock puppet ran out at us with shear panic across his face. "Fire! There's a fire inside the Bar!" He yelled still running until he got to Sam.

"What?! From where?" I asked him shoving the guitar into my trunk as people started running out in hoards.

"I don't know! First everything was fine, but then the stage just suddenly _burst_! It's spreading fast!"

I was already tearing through the people who were blocking my access back inside but was knocked back as a powerful explosion shook the building, sending a powerful ball of fire through a window on the upper level.

I couldn't believe this was happening.

* * *

Notes: Sorry about the wait. Aha again. Just busy but I'm getting them done and I'll promise you that I'm going to finish this!

Songs: _Guitar Man_ by Elvis Presley


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Everything was a blur. The lights from the ambulance and police vehicles lined the roads. By the time the flames were out completely, there was nothing left but burnt wood, ash, and the foundation that use to hold the Roadhouse upright.

I remember watching the people run from the flaming abyss as the heat seared even the cold November grass. What I remember the most was Dean's silhouette climbing the steps into the building. He was shouting the names of his loved ones as he disappeared through the smoking door and his brother trailed behind him. I tried to get to them, I did; but my brothers found me too quickly and pulled me far away from the danger.

Five minutes and no sign of Dean. Ten minutes; the flames only got worse. Twenty minutes; nothing. I thought I was going to pass out from the nausea building in my throat. I couldn't see a thing through tears and my brother's arms that held me back as I screamed Dean's name.

It didn't take long for the sirens to sound from down the road and illuminate the roadhouse parking lot with their flashing lights. I felt defeated like nothing good could come of the world now. I was wrong and this was my punishment. I sunk into the arms of my brothers and let myself cry against Gabriel as he held me up.

But even as everything consumed me, I saw something. The feeling that came over me when I saw three bodies emerge from the side of the Roadhouse, from behind the smoke, had me bursting from my restraints and sprinting to the men carrying themselves heavily; one having his arm slung over the tallest one's shoulder.

Now, I sat next to Dean on the back of an ambulance. What worried me was his silence that he had since he came from the burning building. He hadn't said a word and carried a blank expression as he was handed water from the paramedics while they assessed him. Something very wrong had happened and I could feel it sink into my stomach as I tore my attention from the man to look around me for a second.

What I saw was a nearly empty lot of cars. Michael and Gabriel were sitting on the back of their car talking to each other quietly. A police was talking to Sam and Garth while Bobby leaned against the sheriff's car, eyes puffed and tear stains running down his face. I looked around more, but that… that was it.

"No… NO!" I looked at Dean who barely lifted his gaze at me; inside I could feel my stomach turn. Bobby looked up at me and shook his head away as his face twisted in pain. The contents of it were empty on the side of the road and I just let the nausea flow out. My head was spinning and the disbelief shook me until I felt my eyesight turn black. I could feel hands on me, pulling me back towards the ambulance asking me what was wrong.

The only thing that kept me sane was Dean laying his hand on my shoulder next to me. They turned to hug me and in his embrace, I could even feel him shudder against my chest. Over the man's shoulder, I saw Bobby watching us; heartbroken.

I had lost all sense of time. The smoke emitted from the ruins of the Roadhouse surrounded the parking lot, making it a prison of grief. I stood staring at the remnants unmoving even as the sun started peeking through the trees. The ambulance's had left and the lights had gone out long ago. Eventually, my brothers tugged on me and I realized how exhausted my body was; shaken and bruised from shock. I took one last look at the smoking remains before leaving.

Dean, Sam and Bobby were all taken back to the hospital to further analyze them. I knew Gabriel and Michael wanted to go home and sleep but I just… I couldn't. I drove them back to my home silently and rushed to the hospital as fast as I could.

The lights in the hallways hurt my eyes but I ignored it rushing to the desk. They pointed me in the right direction and I found their room. All three of them were in the same room, big enough to accommodate at least six beds. I spotted Sam standing next to Dean who was sitting on the end of the bed and Bobby was facing away on the next bed.

As soon as I approached Dean and Sam both looked up at me. Dean just tried the corners of his mouth up to me; but they didn't last. His brother seemed a little confused at me but didn't say anything.

"How is it?" I asked calmly.

"Were fine. Few scratches. Burns. Nothing serious, don't worry 'bout it." He said obviously trying to comfort me but it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to undo what had been done.

There was flesh on his face that was pink and red from cuts and my immediate reaction was to caress the area and inspect but Dean slowly swatted my hand away. I wanted to feel offended but I forgot that Sam was standing there too and he just looked at the two of us.

I had forgotten that this was Dean's problem too. The circumstances were even worse and I could only feel sorrow for the three men in front of me. I hadn't planned much else to say but I was surprised when Sam spoke up to me.

"Cas?" My eyes made my way to his that were much bigger and sadder than I expected. "Is-is it alright if I call you that?" He said and I watched Dean look up at his sibling.

"Yes." I nodded my head. The smile that he gave me didn't last long.

"Well, I was just talking to Dean, and I wanted to thank you for taking care of him. I can take him off your hands now though."

My throat sort of hitched a lump but I just stared at the ground. Who was I to compete with his brother? I wouldn't stand in the way of Dean's family as they took him from me. Sam put his hands in his coat pockets just to avoid some sort of uncomfortable feeling lingering in the air.

"You-you can always stay at my home tonight. I mean, I don't have plenty of room… but I can't imagine you'd want to be alone. My brothers and I can keep you company and-"

"It's alright. Dean and I have got each other. And Bobby. I think it's best the three of us spend the time we need… to mourn." Sam said pressing his lips together at the last words that he said quickly. I saw Bobby's head turn towards us for a moment listening to our conversation.

My heart ached for them and I wanted to say something to them; at least Dean. As they started ushering their way out of the hospital, I followed behind and tried to catch him before he left. Out in the parking lot, I pulled at his sleeve and he slowed to look at me, waiting for me to say something. Sam and Bobby continued to the black vehicle.

"Will you be alright?" I asked trying not to let the concern torture the gravel in my voice.

Not a word came from his mouth as he nodded. I saw the way his face twist for a moment but he looked away before eventually following his kin.

* * *

_Hello and good afternoon Nebraska. I regret to inform you news of a tragedy that occurred last night at 10:36 pm last night. Harvelle's Roadhouse, located south of town, burned to the ground taking two lives. Ellen Harvelle, 41, and her daughter Jo Harvelle, 24. Reports say that arson was involved. The arson was not apprehended but an investigation is currently taking place. _

The radio was the only sound that echoed in the house. It sank in like stones falling into my stomach but Michael turned it off trying to expel the heaviness in the room. Everyone sat silently. It was like this since I got home hours ago.

But it was even worse without Dean. If I wasn't with him, I'd rather be alone, so I got up and removed myself to the kitchen. I wasn't hungry but I still lingered against the counter, tapping the edges.

I thought about Dean. Worry riddled my insides and I felt physically and emotionally sick from everything. I couldn't believe that Ellen and Jo were really gone or how Bobby was coping with this. What made everything come down at once was the feeling that it was my fault.

My knees hit the tile and I could feel tears stinging. I tried being quiet but my breathing was collapsing inside my chest making it difficult to stay composed. I covered my face with my hands and hid away from the world.

The worst part was that I always knew that it was my fault. I knew it from the moment I met Dean, watching him sing on that stage; the moment I fell in love with him, I knew that we were wrong. Everyone around us was hurting because of us; because of me.

"Castiel?" My face adjusted itself and my hands fell as the wave quickly subsided hearing whose voice it was. I didn't look up at my brother but just slumped against the cabinets, sniffing and rubbing my face.

"hm?" I made the noise in my throat but Michael just knelt next to me.

"I never really… had the chance to say anything Castiel. But I'm sorry about what happened to your friends. I didn't get a chance to know the Harvelles that well…" I felt his hand on my arm and it made me look up at him; his eyes soft and empathetic. "God has a plan for them and I'm sure they are being well taken care of, alright?"

I don't know why but I wanted to strike him when he said that. I held in my urges though and just thought to myself how I could be so spiteful and angry. But that wasn't directed at Michael, it was god. I was so angry at him for cursing me like this; for cursing me with Dean. What was my plan?! And as my fists balled and my knuckles pained white, they never left my sides or touched my brother and he never noticed. I just sat a looked at him.

* * *

The week came to an end and my brothers ended their stay with me as well as calling off their business with Dean. I hadn't seen him since and it was no longer appropriate to be discussing those kinds of matters. But as they left, so did any sort of peace I had with their company. I didn't realize how much they kept me from breaking until the cool draft inside my house sent chills of being alone in through my skin.

I hated the silence but it seemed so fitting. I couldn't describe it. I laid back on my own bed where I hadn't slept on for what felt like too long. I sank into the sheets that smelled of my kin and rolled over, looking at the ceiling. I had opened my eyes to this ceiling so many times feeling that man next to me. Where was he now?

I imagined him with his brother and Bobby. They were probably drinking off their losses knowing Bobby and Dean. I hadn't known Sam that long but I could see him offering Dean to come back with him to school, finding him a place to stay with his Stanford connections. It felt a bit hurtful that I enjoyed the thought of Dean being safe for once, with his brother. That's what I wanted him to be; happy.

I gripped the sheets harder as the sighs left my body and I didn't even realize I wanted to cry until I choked. I was sick of this, feeling so worthless but it was too easy to. I couldn't get myself off the mattress so I stayed until the night left and the sun came back up.

The next few days came and I walked around in an empty shell really. I had called in sick and let my dead spirit deteriorate in silence until it was shattered by the sound of my telephone from the kitchen. I hadn't heard it ring for a very long time and it was frightening when it did.

"Hello?" I asked deep and low.

"Cas?" the voice on the other end asked. I guess I had expected Dean because a small feeling of disappointment came through.

"Sam?" I asked. I was curious now though.

"Uh yeah… uhm, h-how are you?" I crossed my arms at the sound of his voice. He sounded nervous.

"I'm… holding up. I guess I'd be more concerned with you guys? How are _you_? How is Bobby?" I was actually trying to avoid talking about myself. It was strange though. I didn't feel at all off talking to a man I barely knew, but it was probably because he was my only link to Dean.

"Oh, we're doing better now thank you. Uhm, yeah, Bobby's healing. –Slowly. But he's healing." He paused for a moment and I could hear his breathing get heavy. "The uh, reason I was calling was because we are having a candle light service kind of, at the Roadhouse. For Ellen and Jo."

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Great. So it's tomorrow night. And I guess… I'll see you there."

"Of course. Goodbye Sam." I said and I heard the line on the other side pause again before ending. I felt like Sam had something else to say, something he wanted to say but I didn't know what really.

* * *

The night was warmer than usual but cold enough for a coat still. There were people there already as I pulled onto the side of the road and got out. People were gathered in the parking lot visiting with each other. No one paid any attention to me but I still recognized some of them as people from the Roadhouse; regulars. I paced towards them and Sam spotted me, giving me a small candle.

"Hey, thanks for coming." He said offering a small polite smile. I could still hear the mourning in his voice.

"Yeah, of course. Where is…" I asked almost instinctually looking around.

"Dean's coming. He was helping Bobby set up things back at his house for after. I- uh, forgot to mention that. But we're going to just have a small get-together after, if you'd wanna that is…"

"I'd love to Sam. Thank you." I said finally returning his smile. He pulled away from me to join the others.

I waited on the outskirts of the crowd which began to grow in numbers but there was still no Dean amongst them. I wondered up to the burnt foundation that was no longer smoking, seeing the wreck for what it was; half of the building that it once was.

More cars came and eventually the sun started to set which put the service into motion. A man, who I presumed was a preacher, started speaking and then came the lighting of the candles. During the small sermon another car came too and I could see Dean with his guitar and Bobby come out of the darkness who was greeted by Sam. I didn't wave to them or say anything. Dean probably couldn't see me because of the darkness that shrouded the people anyway. He just stood next to Sam with his unlit candle.

The flames started to come around and my candle came to life and I watched it burn and flicker in the breeze. I watched everyone else as they just looked off in the distance, hugging each other in comfort for their lost friends, the Harvelles. The man stopped preaching and then the sound of someone else's voice rang from the crowd singing.

_Here comes the sun doo doo doo doo_

_Here comes the sun, and I say_

_It's all right_

Dean sang it so slowly and I could hear the pain in his voice. I knew that Dean wouldn't allow some religious bullshit song to be sung here and everyone would probably agree with him knowing the Harvelles. Eventually Sam joined in. Then more people started to follow.

Through the sound of the music I could hear sobs, people crying on each other's shoulders for their lost friends. My eyes found Dean's friend Ash who was a few people in front of me. I could tell he wasn't singing by the way his body refused to sway like the one's around him to the singing. It was shaking. Hurting.

The anguish emanating from everyone ignited a hatred; a hatred for that man who did this. He had murdered innocent people because of me and I started to hate myself for it. These people were feeling this way and I felt so responsible but I knew I shouldn't be. This was his fault and I kept telling myself that.

I had to.

* * *

I stood for a long time. The music had long stopped and most of the candles had been extinguished and left. I still stood in my spot with the few people in the darkness. Sam had gone back to Bobby's to cater to those friends that wished for company.

No one had spoken to me during or after the service, but I still waited until he would. He was still there, standing with his brother and Bobby, candle still barely glowing. Mine had gone out long ago and I wondered if it was the reason he did not notice me, standing in shadows.

I wanted to leave with my heaviness still intact. It was weighing on my exhaustion and I could barely stand any longer, so I decided to decline Sam's invitation. Dean was much closer to the Harvelles than I was and I could respect his rate of mourning.

I turned to leave, hearing my footsteps sound across the gravel parking lot but it wasn't long until I noticed another set of footsteps following me to my car door. I already knew as I turned around, who it would be. His guitar was gone but his candle was still lit. It was the only light that let us see each under the moonlight.

"Dean." I whispered like we weren't allowed to talk.

I saw him contemplate what to say as he examined the flame in his hand. I wasn't sure what he had to say but he had hurt in his eyes and it made me worry.

"Cas." He addressed my name as if we were acquaintances meeting after a long while. I studied him as he nodded his head and pursed his lips. After a few moments, he failed to say further.

"Are you alright?" I asked placing my hand on his shoulder concerned, but he… flinched. He looked scared and the few seconds he allowed himself to adjust into my touch gave me a few seconds to realize that there was something broken. Nothing physical, but I could feel the barrier that this man held up crumbling. My hand dropped from him as quickly as I had placed it; the comfort had turned to ice.

"Yeah Yeah… I'm alright…" He lied rubbing his eye with the base of his palm. "I just… Are you coming to Bobby's? Because I'd like you to come Cas… I would…"

I looked at him a moment and then nodded. I wanted to squeeze his hand. Just to let him know that I was here, that I still loved him. That he was safe. But his broken smile was extinguished as the flame of his candle went out; casting both our faces into shadows as the only light that illuminated us faded.

* * *

Notes: So the story's coming along :3 I hope you're enjoying! But I'm here to inform you that this story is a more than halfway over. I think?

Songs: _Here Comes the Sun _by The Beatles


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